I’m Baaackkkk

Well I’ve been gone awhile.  A lot has happened, in my life and in Game of Thrones.  I logged in and saw I had a nice comment, so I responded with my typical serene maturity.

 

So I clearly haven’t changed any.  Good for me.  Ok let’s do some posts.

At Least 60 Game of Thrones Memes

So I  finally binge-watched GoT.  I found some memes to bring y’all.   There’s at least 60 of them, I lost count because whiskey.  If you haven’t caught up yet there may be some spoilers here and also, what is wrong with you?  Catch up!  So here ya go, and you don’t even have to click and click to a next page (I hate that shit), I’m just plopping them down for you to scroll through.  You’re welcome.

22 Excellent and Inappropriate Breakup Memes NSFW (or your ex)

If you’re going through a rough breakup, or have been through a painful breakup in the past, you know those feels.  Once you’re done crying, perhaps you just want to punch something or someone until you tire out, then take a nice nap.  I have been through all the phases of breakup, and while it is still too raw to write an amusing blog post about, I have collected 26 memes to hopefully make you smile and laugh, perhaps the first time since that rotten asshole did what they did.  Yeah, they know what they did.  Motherfuckers.

   

Unless you’re my ex, then apparently that’s an acceptable way to break up.

Sadbuttrue

If you do this, you will have a bad time.  Now tell me how to stop.

Or, ya know, a blog post.

When you see the THOT she (or he) gets with.

I think this is basically my ex’s line of thought.

Here are some final thoughts from your fractured friend LadyApathetica:

It’s true.  Trust.  Take care of yourself, love and value yourself, and the right person will come along and appreciate you.  Don’t ask me when!  I don’t know!  I’m trying to be supportive here!  Also…..

Yep.  One day at a time.  It’s gonna be alright.  Promise.

A Review Of Kindle Unlimited

When I became aware of the existence of Kindle Unlimited I got pretty damn excited.  I’m a readaholic and when I realized I could rent and read unlimited books for $9.99 a month from the comfort of my ample behind, I signed up for a trial.

Well.

Kindle Unlimited may be great if you read fiction.  I don’t.  I burned through the books they had available in my chosen subjects (mostly historical, a couple travel journalism books) in 3 days and was left with nothing else to read.  I canceled my membership.

So, if you read fiction, would it work for you?  I dunno, let’s take a look at the current popular fiction books.  Now, keep in mind this is what Amazon is telling me is popular in fiction.  I don’t have a damn clue.  I’m browsing the category of “released in the last 30 days” first.

Here are the titles available on Kindle Unlimited for that category, on the first page.

Ok…ahhh….maybe nothing much has been published lately?

Alright I guess I have to look up specific books so I shall journey to the Barnes & Noble website and see if they can tell me what’s hot.

Ok, here are fiction bestsellers according to B&N.

1.  The Girl on The Train by Paula Hawkins

Available on Kindle Unlimited(KU)?  No.  Kindle edition $6.99

2.  The Stranger by Harlan Coben

KU?  Nope.  Kindle edition $10.99

3.  The Shadows by J.R. Ward

KU?  No.  Kindle edition $11.99

4.  All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr

KU? Nope.  $12.99 kindle edition

Ok, I think you get the idea here.  Maybe some older but still popular books are available?

How about the Hunger Games trilogy?

YES!  All three in the series are available for KU.

So far so good.  Harry Potter?

YES!  All available with KU.

How about one of the very few fiction books I own, Memoirs of a Geisha?

No dice.

For some reason some people like that Nicholas Sparks guy, right?  How about his books?

Nope, not even KU for (gagging noise) The Notebook.

Verdict:   Do your research before committing to Kindle Unlimited.  They are offering a 30 day free trial, so poke around and see just how available the books you want to read will be, and make sure to cancel before that 30 days is up if you determine it won’t meet your reading needs.

6 FAQ’s About The Current Situation in North Charleston Answered By A Local

So lovely to see the city where I live in the national news!  What a surprise it’s because of a racially-motivated crime! (Do you detect sarcasm, because I keep having to wipe it off my keyboard.)   Have you wondered what the average local citizen thinks?  Well I am here, as an average local citizen, to do an FAQ for you.

1.  Well you’re all racist and backwards down there anyway, right?

I know it’s hard to believe, but no, we are not.  Yes, we have racists like anywhere else, and yes they tend to be more vocal and in positions of power down south, but many natives do not think this way, and many of us down here (like myself) are Northern transplants.   Being Northern by blood doesn’t mean non-racist by any means, but we are not all backwards Confederate-flag waving, cousin-humping bumpkins down here.  Truly.  Promise.   Also, in this area there are many immigrants, both legal and otherwise, who have different perspectives and are also victimized by authority…..but that’s for another post.

2. Do you think this crime was racially motivated?

Absolutely, and if anyone tries to deny that, they are either kidding themselves or are flat-out racists.  It shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone that the south has a huge issue with race, and modern times has only made it less outspoken in public.  We all know actions speak louder than words, and if Walter Scott had been white, do you think he would have been shot?  (The answer is no.  There is no other option.  No.)

3.  How is Charleston going to react to this incident?

Surprising everyone including myself, the officer who killed Mr. Scott has been arrested and charged.  He will face the court, and if he is found not-quilty….well….in my eyes they better have a legit heapload of evidence to back that up; at this time there is no reason to find him anything BUT guilty.

There are memorials and marches ongoing, and currently the city government is doing the right thing.  “Currently” is the key word, stay tuned.

4.  How can we fix racism in the south?

The easy answer is education.  We have Black history month once a year, and barely any in schools.  When African-Americans are not represented as equally contributing to our nation in school, how can (some) adults then see them as equals?  Unless they research on their own…..and how many adults do you know that rationally say “hmmm….I better look into this topic I am unsure of before I form an opinion…..”……..they are going to only pick up on and believe in how the media projects different races.  For example, a quick scan of television would reveal:  Asian: smart;  Middle Eastern: dangerous;  Black: criminals;  Whites:  over-privileged.  Stereotypes influence how humans think of others more than most of us would like to admit.

To fix racism, we have to ensure equal opportunity in EVERYTHING.  No, that is not a reality in our world yet.  Only when we are all given equal opportunities on this planet will we be judged by our actions instead of our skin.  So, yes, it’s a damn-near impossible goal.  We have a long way to go with that, and the best way to see it come to fruition is to accelerate the process.  Teach our kids in school and at home that we are earthlings in this together, that all races contribute to society, and never deny that injustice has been done in the past and those cruel injustices reverberate today and still effect people’s lives.

It’s quite utopian, I admit.  It can’t happen overnight, but that’s no reason to give up the dream.

5.  Are you annoyed with all the media hoopla?

Yes and no.  In one way, the overhyped media can cause one to become numb to the stories.  It’s so in your face everywhere that you tune it out and become annoyed even if at first you were glued to the updates and details.  In another way, the media attention means the issue will be big enough (and it should be) to not be dropped or swept away.  It will stay in the mind and on the tongues of citizens.  When it comes to this type of situation, this is more important than any Kardashian and should rightly have precedence over more trivial news.  Racial violence effects everyone in America and we need dialogue on it.  It’s real and happens every day and its been ignored for much too long.

6.   What’s next for the average citizen of North Charleston?

We’re getting on with our lives, work, and families, but those of us with an iota of reality are increasingly wary of authority figures.  We know power is abused and it will only get worse if we don’t take a stand.  We know the “good guys” in each bunch, but we are aware of corruption at every level, and honestly?  We feel a bit powerless to stop it.  We need our local government behind us, not against us, or we will not feel safe.   The average citizen truly hopes this will be a turning point for change in our society, and not just another lesson in lip-service bark-but-no-bite politics.

5 Things That Happen When You Get In A Bad Car Accident

In January, I was involved in a car accident.  I spent some time in the trauma center and regular hospital ward, and this was my first go-round with this type of experience.  Ever wondered what it’s like?  I’m happy to tell you.  I clearly survived, but my car did not.

My (former) Kia Forte.  Yes, that’s the engine trying to get into my lap.

Did the other person’s car make it through?  I have no idea, and here’s why:

1.  You have no idea what’s going on, but you THINK you do.  You REALLY REALLY think you do.

I had no idea what I had hit.  A person?  A car?  A large tree?  A building?  It was driving….driving…..driving, then suddenly people at my window asking if I could hear them, shattered glass, and airbag dust.  I had blacked out for no discernible reason.  After ascertaining that my teenage son was in good shape and not the least bit upset that we had just smacked head-on into another vehicle, I turned my attention to the helpful people who had seen my accident and were attempting to communicate with me at my driver’s side door.  I babbled off some information to them, then the ambulance arrived.  How quickly?  I cannot say.  That part is a blur.

            They are roomier than you think…….

Then someone informed me they were going to pull me out of the wreck.  This was the EMS guy.  I distinctly remember that I would certainly need my phone (to inform relatives of the occurrence) and my house keys (so my parents could go let my dog out if I ended up staying in the hospital overnight).  I slipped my keys into my front pocket and my phone into my back pocket, then I was hauled out as if I were a bag of feathers and wheeled on a (gurney? I don’t know what they are called….) into the ambulance.  I KNEW my keys and phone were with me, I even heard the EMS guy in the ambulance mention them to his co-worker.

When I was released from the hospital the next afternoon, guess where they were?  Not in my bag of personal effects. (cue Shyamalan-esque twist)    My dad found them both in my wrecked car in the junkyard.

2.   Ambulances are not comfortable

When you’re injured, you feel every bump.  And as you go over those bumps, an efficient and well-trained EMS person is sticking one or more IV’s in your arms.  In my case, I had a normal one in my left arm and a Y-shaped one in my right arm.  As this is happening, you also have an awkward and uncomfortable neck brace and you are being asked a lot of questions about your medical history.  Also, you’re in shock, and due to that you’re friggin freezing.  The EMS person piles more blankets on you, but it might as well be snow, because you are feeling like you survived the car accident but will soon perish from hypothermia.

Who put this glacier in South Carolina?

And you wonder if the ambulance is taking you to another state because the ride is so long, and you wonder if you will be that lucky bastard whose ambulance gets in a car accident on the way to the hospital, because that would be just perfect.

3.    Pretty much everyone will see you naked

In the ambulance they cut off my clothing.  I felt it.  I was exposed as fuck.  And I did not care.  Being in shock does that to you.  I had a half-cone thing around my neck and I was butt nekkid save for the hospital blankets when they wheeled me in to the trauma center, where my blankets were lifted and I was butt nekkid to all eyes under fluorescent lights.  Howdy, everyone!  When everyone had seen my naked lumpy flesh, I was subjected to an MRI and then wheeled back to the trauma ward to hang out for what felt like months.  The MRI, the exams, the questioning could have all happened in one spot for all I know.  I was cognizant but also distant.  I recall being wheeled around on my stretcher, but how far I traveled is a mystery.  The janitor could have practiced drawing my blood and I’d just stare at the ceiling.  There is no time for modesty or judgement in the trauma center.

4.  Strange men will wipe your vag

When you’re not allowed to rise from the bed, and eventually you have to pee, you know what happens.

Shown here much less awkward than it actually is.

  A kind nurse brings a bedpan, and you revert to babyhood by attempting to pee lying down.  If you really gotta go, you will indeed pee lying down and it will feel awesome.  And then an orderly will wipe you.  He won’t like it, you won’t like it.  But he’ll do his job, and you both will try to make jokes and not make eye contact and it will be fine because you feel like maybe you died and this is only heck, which is a nicer but still inconvenient suburb of hell.

5.  The seatbelt will kick your ass

Artist’s rendition of how cute I look half-conscious in a seatbelt.

I’m certainly not saying not to wear seatbelts.  Wear seatbelts!  And sit a reasonable distance from your front airbag.  My airbags did me no harm at all.  My seatbelt, while saving me a massive head injury, did indeed leave scars.  I have one on my neck from when I slipped forward and it caught me.  It was a nasty gash for about a month, and kept getting gooey and my long hair would stick to it when I slept and ewwwww……..then it finally healed into a red scar I plan on telling everyone I sustained in a prison riot.  Where the lap belt held my body to the seat, I have scar tissue that pushes my stomach in and leaves a weird bulge above where it indents, like I have a very odd muffintop jutting out on one side.  Also, my stomach was bruised dark purple for a good three weeks, and I was stuck wearing leggings/yoga pants from the tenderness and swelling.  Is this better than not wearing a seatbelt?  YES.  Is it still shitty?  YES.

Epilogue:  I ended up with the aforementioned scarring and a fractured lumbar vertebrae.  I am in pain to this day and there is no guarantee I will never not be in constant pain.  My son is just fine; he had some minor bruising that cleared up within a couple days.  The accident was my fault and I was told by the police in the hospital that the woman I hit was well after the incident and did not even need medical assistance.  I hope she is doing fine and got a new car out of it to boot, if indeed it was totaled.  I never found out, but I can’t imagine it came out well if mine was a total loss.  Wear your seatbelts, kids!  Seriously.  Do it.  And have good car insurance!  And airbags are awesome.  You never know….

Helpful Grammar Guide For Those Who Touch A Keyboard

People don’t mind when you point out a mathematical mistake they’ve made, even though if it isn’t taxes or their bank account, poor math skills don’t seem to make a big impact in their lives.  I can’t tell fractions from functions and I seem to have gotten by okay.  No one gets up in arms over math, no one calls anyone else a Math-Nazi.  But if you point out a spelling error, you have volunteered for an MMA bout.  Poor spellers go hardcore on anyone who tries to assist them with basic English grammar.  The phenomenon makes no sense to me.  Do you WANT to seem illiterate?

Maybe English isn’t your first language, but you try.  That’s fine, the lash of the helpful grammar police isn’t aiming for you.  What gets our panties in a bunch is when you’ve been speaking and writing and reading the language all your life and still remain baffled over to/too or they’re/their/there.  When you stumble over simple words and become enraged when you are corrected.

Now, no grammar police-person assumes you’re stupid because your grammar sucks (unless they’re assholes).  I’ve known a lot of reasonably intelligent and successful people who simply cannot put words together coherently.

Maybe you simply don’t care about spelling errors and see them as inconsequential.  We all “get” what you’re trying to say, so what’s the big deal?  Well, I guess you don’t carry a Sharpie at all times to correct public signs and you’ve never tossed a newspaper or magazine to the floor in frustration over its spelling errors.  Well good for you.  Must be nice to NOT GIVE ONE SINGLE DAMN ABOUT LITERACY!

Ahem.  But in the chance that you do care and want to improve your grammar skills, I humbly devote this blog post to you, the confused speller.

Have no fear, for personally I am not aware of when my participles dangle (but it sounds embarrassing), and I have to pause and think when attempting to use affect/effect correctly.  It’s okay.  I’m here to help, so take notes.

1.  Aww/Awe

This one makes me insane.  Or perhaps I should say more insane than usual.  Someone posts a pic of a cute mammal, and then this atrocity happens:

 

“Awe, so cute!”

No.  No no no no no.  No.  Absolutely not.  The word you are looking for to convey squee-ness is “aww.”  The word “awe” means to be in awe of something, such as how fast a baseball player can spike a field goal (I don’t really do sports) or how your cousin’s friend’s dog survived falling out of a window and landing on a porcupine.  Several porcupines.

Helpful illustration:

“Aww, look at the cute baby!  I’m in awe of how much he can lift!  What is that stuff, steroid juice?”

2.  They’re/Their/There

Ok, more words that sound alike.  That’s likely to be what trips people up.  “They’re” is an easy one, it’s a contraction of “they are.”  Remember that the apostrophe is there, indicating a merge of two words.  It should only be used in a sentence if you could replace it with “they are” and have the sentence still make sense.

I can’t believe they’re getting married in Wal-Mart./  I can’t believe they are getting married in Wal-Mart.

They’re having the reception at Dollar General./ They are having the reception at Dollar General.

“Their” indicates two or more people, but it is used most often when a noun after it (a noun is a person, place, or thing) belongs to “them.”  Substitution “they are” would not make sense:

Their car looks ridiculous with spinning rims./ They are car looks ridiculous with spinning rims.

Put the donkey head in their mailbox. / Put the donkey head in they are mailbox.

See how that works?

“There” means a location.  It’s really that simple.  It almost always means “in that place.”

Put the ransom money there./ Put the ransom money in that place.

Remove your pants and put them there./ Remove your pants and put them in that place.

I’m weak for ink….

3. Could of/Could Have

You cannot “could of.”  That’s the rule.  You “could have” taken a course in metaphysical dog grooming, but you didn’t.  You “could have” let me merge into traffic when I was polite and patient and had my blinker on, but you’re an asshole who thinks I-26 is YOUR STREET, DAMN IT.  You never, ever “could of” though.

4.  Woman/Women

“Woman” is one woman.  “Women” is 2 or more.  You could have dated some womEn.  You could have been in a relationship with a womAn.  You really should not be in a relationship with womEn unless your religion says it’s okay.   I am womAn, hear me roar.  But if I have friends with me, we’re womEn, and if we’re roaring you should run.

Four womEn and a douchebag

5.  To/Too

I leave “two” out because most people understand that is a number.  But the to/too confusion is too prevalent.

“To” is like a tag on a present that says “TO: you  FROM: Santa”  It indicates ownership.

“I’d like to give a greasy, filthy, syphillis-encrusted wrench TO the teeth of that bitch my ex got with after we broke up.”

“I’m going TO Wal-Mart to buy a greasy, filthy, syphillis-encrusted wrench.”

“Too” means “as well,” or “in addition.”

“While I’m at the Wal-Mart, I’m picking up vodka and some chocolate and some strong rope, TOO.”

“I’m going to take that disgusting wrench and dip it in a public toilet TOO.”

“Too” can also mean “more than I can handle,”  such as in the statement:

“Even though that cadaver-sniffing dog led to my arrest, I can’t stay mad at him, because he is just TOO cute.”

Aww, Sergeant Snuffles!  You caught me again!

That’s all for now, I have to go bury…….I mean…..wash dishes.  Yeah. But I’m sure I’ll think of more.  Suggest your own grammar pet peeves and we’ll murder them!  I mean, discuss them.

Plenty of Fish Sticks and Swift Kicks (the unintelligible abyss of online dating)

Well, since I am approximately 15% hopelessly optimistic, I have plopped myself onto a dating website.   However, this post is not to record my diary of adventures in mating dating.  There are some interesting characters looking for hot, filthy love out there and the pictures they post to get the attention of a potential paramour can indeed be baffling.  So can the verbal diarrhea they pound out onto the keyboard for readers to decipher.  Let’s enjoy some examples, shall we?   Wheeeeee!

This is apparently one of my matches.  How, I have no idea.

It must be her maturity and charm that the site thinks I’ll be attracted to.

Let’s learn about Sweetie-pie here:

“I’m enlisting in the army soon…i need someone who i know is gonna be there for me and never question my actions.”

Ah, I can see how that first date would go………………………………………

Me: So, what made you choose the Army?

Her: :::::sucker punch to my face::::::

“I take academics very seriously but ima major party animal too”

Yup, seems legit.

“I’m not interested in fat girls or 3somes so stop hitting me up with that bullshit.I want a fit looking,attractive woman who knows what she wants in life…why is that so hard to ask for?wanna know more?just hmu.”

Yeah, take THAT heifers.  You’re totally missing out.  Also, she has an emu?  Lost me there.

“If they can keep up with me…a jog on the beach or through the park.or…coffee and a movie?”

Ya know…….I’m gonna pass.  I definitely cannot keep up with your high standards of asshole-itry.

Next Candidate…………………………

This one is “NOT LOOKING”

I can tell by her pose she isn’t the least bit interested in attracting a mate.  In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s a mime doing “invisible toilet.”

Also, the tag is on the dress.  Classy.

I wonder if she has any requirements or rules…….

“To start off with and to go ahead and get this out the way:
1-I don’t put up with bullshyt
2-If you’re looking for sex keep it moving
3-I am a lesbian so NO MEN.
4-I am a lesbian that takes NO interest in WHITE women.
5-I am a lesbian that takes NO interest in FEMMES so that means STUDS only
6-If you don’t have your own transportation DON’T EMAIL ME.
7-If you can’t support yourself DON’T EMAIL ME.
8-I am an attractive woman and therefore I look for other attractive women.”

Oh okeydokey.

Next Candidate……………………………………………

Ok, I’m not a jackass, but come on, you can exaggerate a tiny bit and then you can completely bullshit the hell out of your own self description.  This lady, who seems quite nice and not at all full of attitude like our previous contestants, describes her body size as “a few extra pounds.”  Honey, I’m a 10/12, THAT’S a “few extra pounds,” not this:

God love ya, nobody’s perfect.  Just don’t lie.

Batter up……………………………………………………….

This is not “a few extra pounds” either.  If it is, I’m damn near anorexic.

Also, ARE YOU  IN A BURGER KING?

Sigh, NEXT and LAST (for now)……………………………………………………………………..

I don’t know if this uniform indicates, Navy, Police, some other sort of emergency unit, or mall security, but I do know that when she says this is where you will go on your first date……

“Somewhere so we can talk and get to know more about each other.”

She means her bathroom.

Delicious and Confused

Had lunch with a friend a few days ago at a Mexican place neither of us had been to before.  The service?  Lousy.  We were pretty sure our waiter was so stoned he got lost on the way to our table and took a nap halfway through serving us.  The food?  Fantastic.  The food descriptions on the menu?  Amusing.  My favorite kind of food is hilarious, and with a few Coronas and my immaturity level, I really enjoyed the following items.

The Fro Burrito.  Does it come with a pick?  In my burrito fantasies it does.  Is it weird to have burrito fantasies?  If loving burritos is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

I really tried to find out what “Pastor” could mean in Spanish that it doesn’t mean in English and I am coming up blank.  And frankly, I don’t want to know, it’s too much fun this way.  “Here, try the Pastor’s taco.”  ……. ” WHAT KIND OF CHURCH IS THIS???”

Why haven’t I seen this before?  There are so many foods that would benefit from melted Chihuahua.

(yes, I know it is referring to the cheese, and I do not care.)

Maybe they do put chocolate sauce on chicken, I really don’t know, I just know all I hear when I read this is Chef from South Park singing about it in my head.

Oh how I wish this also offered the Pastor as an option, but I guess spitting my Corona across the table WOULD have gotten us kicked out and fate was kind enough to spare me that temptation.

People Who Don’t Lead By Example

Yeah, me.  I bitch about other bloggers abandoning blogs I enjoy and then I fly the coop.  Uncool, I know.  I got “involved” with someone and abandoned my late-night blogging for the pleasures of the flesh, or as I (and Tone Loc) like to call it, the funky cold medina.  Yeah, I know, it was a DRINK.  Artistic license, people.  Unfortunately, some of the best sheet-rumplers are batshit crazy and I am considering becoming a nun.  Sigh.  I shall return with some funny soon, right now I am considering either tying my iPhone to an anchor and dropping it into the Bermuda Triangle to stop the incessant and crazy texting and calling, or entering the witness protection program.

Party on and stay tuned.