Plenty of Fish Sticks and Swift Kicks (the unintelligible abyss of online dating)

Well, since I am approximately 15% hopelessly optimistic, I have plopped myself onto a dating website.   However, this post is not to record my diary of adventures in mating dating.  There are some interesting characters looking for hot, filthy love out there and the pictures they post to get the attention of a potential paramour can indeed be baffling.  So can the verbal diarrhea they pound out onto the keyboard for readers to decipher.  Let’s enjoy some examples, shall we?   Wheeeeee!

This is apparently one of my matches.  How, I have no idea.

It must be her maturity and charm that the site thinks I’ll be attracted to.

Let’s learn about Sweetie-pie here:

“I’m enlisting in the army soon…i need someone who i know is gonna be there for me and never question my actions.”

Ah, I can see how that first date would go………………………………………

Me: So, what made you choose the Army?

Her: :::::sucker punch to my face::::::

“I take academics very seriously but ima major party animal too”

Yup, seems legit.

“I’m not interested in fat girls or 3somes so stop hitting me up with that bullshit.I want a fit looking,attractive woman who knows what she wants in life…why is that so hard to ask for?wanna know more?just hmu.”

Yeah, take THAT heifers.  You’re totally missing out.  Also, she has an emu?  Lost me there.

“If they can keep up with me…a jog on the beach or through the park.or…coffee and a movie?”

Ya know…….I’m gonna pass.  I definitely cannot keep up with your high standards of asshole-itry.

Next Candidate…………………………

This one is “NOT LOOKING”

I can tell by her pose she isn’t the least bit interested in attracting a mate.  In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s a mime doing “invisible toilet.”

Also, the tag is on the dress.  Classy.

I wonder if she has any requirements or rules…….

“To start off with and to go ahead and get this out the way:
1-I don’t put up with bullshyt
2-If you’re looking for sex keep it moving
3-I am a lesbian so NO MEN.
4-I am a lesbian that takes NO interest in WHITE women.
5-I am a lesbian that takes NO interest in FEMMES so that means STUDS only
6-If you don’t have your own transportation DON’T EMAIL ME.
7-If you can’t support yourself DON’T EMAIL ME.
8-I am an attractive woman and therefore I look for other attractive women.”

Oh okeydokey.

Next Candidate……………………………………………

Ok, I’m not a jackass, but come on, you can exaggerate a tiny bit and then you can completely bullshit the hell out of your own self description.  This lady, who seems quite nice and not at all full of attitude like our previous contestants, describes her body size as “a few extra pounds.”  Honey, I’m a 10/12, THAT’S a “few extra pounds,” not this:

God love ya, nobody’s perfect.  Just don’t lie.

Batter up……………………………………………………….

This is not “a few extra pounds” either.  If it is, I’m damn near anorexic.

Also, ARE YOU  IN A BURGER KING?

Sigh, NEXT and LAST (for now)……………………………………………………………………..

I don’t know if this uniform indicates, Navy, Police, some other sort of emergency unit, or mall security, but I do know that when she says this is where you will go on your first date……

“Somewhere so we can talk and get to know more about each other.”

She means her bathroom.

Vampires Should Only Sparkle if a Firecracker is up Their Ass – In Praise of Nosferatu

      Ah, the original.  Nosferatu.  For the unfamiliar, let me take you back a few years.  Maybe about a hundred at the least.  You see, dearies, Vampires, no matter what name they are given in the various cultures you will find their legends in around the world, have always had some things in common.  They are the horrifying, shit-your-bloomers terrifying undead stalking the living to feast on their vital juices for their sustenance.  They are not just scary because of their actions, but the fact that they physically look like rotten, misshapen corpses coming at you much swifter that you would expect a corpse to move.  In general, I think it is safe to say most of us don’t expect a corpse to do much moving at all.  “Settling” perhaps, but we’ll save that for my morbid, squishy post on human decomposition.  This is about Vampires.  What may be the original movie vampire, specifically, before Hollywood decided the classic vampire needed a dash of cosmopolitan Rhett Butler and quality hair conditioner.

 

     In 1922 a German silent movie arrives.  The name is Nosferatu…original title being “Nosferatu, eine symphonie des grauens” which Google translate helpfully informs me means “Nosferatu, a symphony of horror.”   Sounds about right.

That is our main fella there, looking creepy as shit, as any effective horror monster should.  In this picture or those to come, you may notice something about his teeth that are different than how you usually see vampire teeth.  His are sharp, yes, but they are side-by-side at the front of his mouth, both on the top row of teeth, rat-like.  Does seem to make more sense and gives him a logical snake-bite ability to dart in quickly for the kill.

 

It’s the basic story, Count Orlock and real estate and such but I won’t give away the rest since it doesn’t go for romance like any vampire genre film that’s been commercially popular in my lifetime.  It was filmed in and around Germany and Slovakia, and used stock footage from Sweden.

 

The striking images, exaggerated reactions, sped-up film mixed with eerie slo-mo action makes for tense and surreal creepy scenes.  Take all the modern 3-D movies you have seen, and this one is still a stunner.  Especially when you consider this was made 90 YEARS AGO.  Just the speeding up suddenly when everything has been normal paced is enough to give you the willies.   The hokey moments come in with the actor’s slowed-down exaggerated expressions common in silent films to convey their feelings.  Also, the makeup is quite heavily applied on some because of the lack of color in the film.  However, I feel all this adds to the intoxicating bizarre-ness of the film.

 

   Count Orlock in Nosferatu presents  the classic, now nearly forgotten visage of vampirism  in his proper  hideous, sickening form.  He is no romantic hero and has no redeeming values.

 

A must-see for silent film virgins, fans, and a must-see-again for anyone who hasn’t seen it in awhile.  Also HIGHLY recommended for those foolish enough to think today’s sensitive, sparkling pseudo-vamps are an improvement.  It’s available on Netflix, and you can check out the trailer here:  http://www.imdb.com/video/wab/vi3025273881/

He’ll be waiting……………………

 

 

Is That Jesus on your Tortilla or are you just a Nutjob?

(Note to readers:  The spacing on this post is not obeying me.  I’ve tried for an hour, I’m done.  I trust you’ll figure out what goes where.)

Sigh.  So it comes up in the news again, Jesus or Mary or someone else in the family shows up on something in an image that only people with head trauma/overindulgence in tequila bottle worms/strong belief in woodland fairies can see.  Like a reasonable person with logic skills and a rudimentary public school education, I’m always tilting my head and squinting to see what they see.  And I almost never do, except for the obviously altered-by-fameseeker surfaces.  Sometimes, you can clearly see even completely different things, which assure you that if they ARE sent by God, He has a fantastic sense of humor.  Of course I have a couple examples to back this up.  I am sure they are elsewhere on the Great Internets, but the ones in this post are all credited to whoever huffingtonpost.com got them from.

That is most definitely a representation of the Virgin, and certainly NOT where someone left their butt plug sitting for too long.

And these people are NOT rapturously in awe of a large stone vagina.  Nope.

“GROW UP!”  You yell at me.  Fine.  Have it your way.  Here are examples that are less likely to be opening scenes to low-budget porn.

Skinny with giant head and long flowing hair?  I’ll never know how they found Jesus in this obvious representation of a Disney-Princess style Rapunzel.

Hunched over monk with massive head wound is a bit offended you’re comparing him to members of the Holy family instead of calling 911.

They were really reaching with this “Jesus” sighting.  All I see is Rob Zombie, leaning a bit forward in between sets, wiping his brow.

This “Jesus” ::::huge sigh:::: showed up in the lid of a jar of “marmite,” which I thought was a type of small monkey.  Maybe it is.  Anyway, I see Gene Simmons in a Phantom Of The Opera style mask.  See it?

Yup, definitely the Virgin Mary formed in drippings from under a chocolate factory vat, she’s classy like that.  NOT drippings resembling one of those glass Avon perfume parakeet bottles from the 80’s that your mom keeps because she thinks they’re valuable and keeps asking you to list on ebay.

Now this one I like……….

Yup, Jesus sees where you’re shopping, and he’s PISSED.

Crab Jesus?  Don’t think so.  This is clearly Vlad Dracul.  You know, Mr. Impaler.  Don’t believe me?  Compare:

Speaking of cruelty incarnate, are you wondering why El Diablo never shows up?  Even though there are no descriptions in the Bible of the evil one looking like this, a lady supposedly bolted from her shower when she saw this in the new tile her husband had installed:

Honestly, it looks like a shocked old man who just saw a paunchy, saggy, middle-aged lady naked in the shower.  Some people have reported their deceased loved ones showing up in floor tiles.  Maybe there was a mix-up here, and this is great-grandpa. “OoooooOOOOooo helloooo I have cooome frooom the ooother siiiiiide annnnd OH SHIT ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION! LOCATION FAIL!”

And then we get to the “you’re not even trying” entries…………………

The face of Jesus is on this towel.  Maybe she’s holding up the wrong side.

Hey look, vines wrapped around this pole in a cross fashion, LIKE THEY DO ALL THE TIME.

Last but not least, you really can see a face here, probably because of the selective burning.  Or you can say no way, this wasn’t done on purpose, that is totally a message from Christ…..

And that message is….. “Verily I say unto thee, CLEAN YOUR DAMN PAN.”

The lesson in all this should be obvious, besides that people who are so religious should spend their time “doing unto others” instead of “worshipping stains.”  If there is a God, how do you think he’s going to feel about you revering your burnt toast?  Also, if there is a God, he or she is GOD, they don’t have to resort to trashy magic tricks to get their point across.

I approve of the above religious image.

Bling on my Thing, Funk on my Junk

Hellooooooo kitty…..

Ladies, have you ever looked at your vagina and thought “Hmmmm, I dunno, seems like it needs something.  It just rests there,  boring the hell out of me every time I take off my pants.  Also, I am just not itchy and uncomfortable enough.”  If so, you might want to look into vajazzling to bling out your bits.  What is vajazzling?  The “official vajazzling site” (www.vajazzling.com) gives us a concise explanation: “The act of applying glitter and jewels to a woman’s nether regions for aesthetic purposes. ”

Yep.   The official vajazzling site lets us know that “Snooki and the Kardashians” are into it.  Oh, goody, always wanted to emulate them!

Alright then, we get what they are and where they go……pretty much.  The site explains in more detail, “the freshly shaven or waxed area just over the clitoris. This is a safer spot, won’t interfere with toilet duties, won’t rub off as easily, and it allows for good old fashioned sex.”

The last six words quoted there are important.  “old fashioned sex.”  So, basically, missionary? Preferably through a hole in the sheet while both of you (or the whole blinged-out orgy…..I’m not judging) remain as clothed as possible.  You really don’t want too much friction on those things, lest they scratch you or your partner.  These are Swarovski crystals we’re talking about.  You don’t want anyone losing an eye if they are flung off your body violently.  Also, hello, choke hazard!  You should also warn your partner before they head south, as they certainly would not expect to find crystals glued to your ladyjunk.  Also, no lights-on business if your partner is epileptic.  The many, many points of reflecting light bouncing around could cause a seizure.

So now you are enlightened about vajazzling.  Try to slip that word into conversation as much as possible today.

But why would us ladies even want to do this?  Don’t we have to do enough?  Shave, makeup, hair style, diet, exercise, underwire bras, spanx……. we need something else time consuming and potentially painful?   Society is always wanting to keep us so preoccupied with making our own naturally hotter-than-men’s bodies look less human; we should have such outrage over yet another way to objectify us that the vajazzling website would be protested into extinction within a week.  Here’s an explanation from Jennifer Love Hewitt, also a vajazzling fan:

JLH: But for the ladies it really… I was feeling aweful I had been through a horrible breakup and I was like awe this is just aweful and I need something to make myself feel better and it was the one thing I had never tried before after a breakup.

(horrid grammar courtesy of the official vajazzling site.)

Well, shoot.  Yeah, Jen, I don’t think *most* people have tried gluing things to their vag after a breakup.   And personally, I don’t care what you do with your vagina.  You can stick a flag in it and sing Yankee Doodle for all I care.  You want to put something useful down there?  How about a sprig of parsley?  It is just an all-out dumb idea and anyone getting into your pants isn’t going to be more inclined to do so if you can catch the candlelight with your pubic region.  Out.

Why Not So Serious? (Missing Posts)

I try to keep the blog light and ridiculous.  However, I just have to speak out on some issues.  I’ll let those posts run for a few days, then dunk them into a private file.  If you need information from one of those previous srs posts, let me know.  Back to seltzer bottles and cream pies around here for now……..

Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Jesus……Fire Away…..

It’s a little known fact that our Lord was the inspiration for LL Cool J’s Momma’s gonna knock you out.

Why should you read this article?  Because it contains this pearl of wisdom:

Burly Mr Bentley, 36, said in one YouTube clip: ‘And I’m thinking  why is the power of God not moving? And He said, “Because you haven’t kicked that woman in the face.”

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2183860/Todd-Bentley-MP-calls-ban-tattooed-preacher-cures-cancer-kicking-people-face.html#ixzz22kJVSBK4