Well, since I am approximately 15% hopelessly optimistic, I have plopped myself onto a dating website. However, this post is not to record my diary of adventures in mating dating. There are some interesting characters looking for hot, filthy love out there and the pictures they post to get the attention of a potential paramour can indeed be baffling. So can the verbal diarrhea they pound out onto the keyboard for readers to decipher. Let’s enjoy some examples, shall we? Wheeeeee!
This is apparently one of my matches. How, I have no idea.
It must be her maturity and charm that the site thinks I’ll be attracted to.
Let’s learn about Sweetie-pie here:
“I’m enlisting in the army soon…i need someone who i know is gonna be there for me and never question my actions.”
Ah, I can see how that first date would go………………………………………
Me: So, what made you choose the Army?
Her: :::::sucker punch to my face::::::
“I take academics very seriously but ima major party animal too”
Yup, seems legit.
“I’m not interested in fat girls or 3somes so stop hitting me up with that bullshit.I want a fit looking,attractive woman who knows what she wants in life…why is that so hard to ask for?wanna know more?just hmu.”
Yeah, take THAT heifers. You’re totally missing out. Also, she has an emu? Lost me there.
“If they can keep up with me…a jog on the beach or through the park.or…coffee and a movie?”
Ya know…….I’m gonna pass. I definitely cannot keep up with your high standards of asshole-itry.
Next Candidate…………………………
This one is “NOT LOOKING”
I can tell by her pose she isn’t the least bit interested in attracting a mate. In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s a mime doing “invisible toilet.”
Also, the tag is on the dress. Classy.
I wonder if she has any requirements or rules…….
“To start off with and to go ahead and get this out the way:
1-I don’t put up with bullshyt
2-If you’re looking for sex keep it moving
3-I am a lesbian so NO MEN.
4-I am a lesbian that takes NO interest in WHITE women.
5-I am a lesbian that takes NO interest in FEMMES so that means STUDS only
6-If you don’t have your own transportation DON’T EMAIL ME.
7-If you can’t support yourself DON’T EMAIL ME.
8-I am an attractive woman and therefore I look for other attractive women.”
Oh okeydokey.
Next Candidate……………………………………………
Ok, I’m not a jackass, but come on, you can exaggerate a tiny bit and then you can completely bullshit the hell out of your own self description. This lady, who seems quite nice and not at all full of attitude like our previous contestants, describes her body size as “a few extra pounds.” Honey, I’m a 10/12, THAT’S a “few extra pounds,” not this:
God love ya, nobody’s perfect. Just don’t lie.
Batter up……………………………………………………….
This is not “a few extra pounds” either. If it is, I’m damn near anorexic.
Also, ARE YOU IN A BURGER KING?
Sigh, NEXT and LAST (for now)……………………………………………………………………..
I don’t know if this uniform indicates, Navy, Police, some other sort of emergency unit, or mall security, but I do know that when she says this is where you will go on your first date……
“Somewhere so we can talk and get to know more about each other.”
She means her bathroom.
Whiskey and Indifference 