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Monthly Archives: March 2015

7 Stars You May Not Know Were in The X-Files


Geeks, dorks,and nerds fangasmed recently at the announcement that The X-Files are coming back,and if this turns out to be an elaborate April Fool’s joke, I will find whoever is responsible and push their grandma down the stairs.


I want to believe……

     To celebrate the good news, here are five celebs you will certainly recognize from popular shows that you may not have known were in The X-Files.

1.  Laurie Holden

     Who?  Andrea from The Walking Dead was in several episodes, rocking some bitchin’ 90’s hair.


2.  Terry O’ Quinn

      John Locke from LOST wore a creepy mustache for his turn on the series.


3.  Jack Black

      You know who Jack Black is.  Here he is as a young disheveled punk on the show, and that’s Giovanni Ribisi, who also did his time on the paranormalfest.


4.  Bryan Cranston

      Malcom’s dad and meth-afficianado played a part as well.


5.  Jane Lynch

     From Glee and much more, of course.


6.  Octavia Spencer

     She’s been in a lot of things, and you may recognize her from The Help.


7.  Kurtwood Smith

     Eric’s dad from That 70’s Show looks like he’d put more than a boot in your ass.


        Jerry Springer and Dick Clark played themselves on the show, and there are so many more; check out the roll-call on IMDB and see who you recognize.


5 Things That Happen When You Get In A Bad Car Accident

In January, I was involved in a car accident.  I spent some time in the trauma center and regular hospital ward, and this was my first go-round with this type of experience.  Ever wondered what it’s like?  I’m happy to tell you.  I clearly survived, but my car did not.

caraccidentMy (former) Kia Forte.  Yes, that’s the engine trying to get into my lap.

Did the other person’s car make it through?  I have no idea, and here’s why:

1.  You have no idea what’s going on, but you THINK you do.  You REALLY REALLY think you do.

I had no idea what I had hit.  A person?  A car?  A large tree?  A building?  It was driving….driving…..driving, then suddenly people at my window asking if I could hear them, shattered glass, and airbag dust.  I had blacked out for no discernible reason.  After ascertaining that my teenage son was in good shape and not the least bit upset that we had just smacked head-on into another vehicle, I turned my attention to the helpful people who had seen my accident and were attempting to communicate with me at my driver’s side door.  I babbled off some information to them, then the ambulance arrived.  How quickly?  I cannot say.  That part is a blur.

ambulance            They are roomier than you think…….

Then someone informed me they were going to pull me out of the wreck.  This was the EMS guy.  I distinctly remember that I would certainly need my phone (to inform relatives of the occurrence) and my house keys (so my parents could go let my dog out if I ended up staying in the hospital overnight).  I slipped my keys into my front pocket and my phone into my back pocket, then I was hauled out as if I were a bag of feathers and wheeled on a (gurney? I don’t know what they are called….) into the ambulance.  I KNEW my keys and phone were with me, I even heard the EMS guy in the ambulance mention them to his co-worker.

When I was released from the hospital the next afternoon, guess where they were?  Not in my bag of personal effects. (cue Shyamalan-esque twist)    My dad found them both in my wrecked car in the junkyard.

2.   Ambulances are not comfortable

When you’re injured, you feel every bump.  And as you go over those bumps, an efficient and well-trained EMS person is sticking one or more IV’s in your arms.  In my case, I had a normal one in my left arm and a Y-shaped one in my right arm.  As this is happening, you also have an awkward and uncomfortable neck brace and you are being asked a lot of questions about your medical history.  Also, you’re in shock, and due to that you’re friggin freezing.  The EMS person piles more blankets on you, but it might as well be snow, because you are feeling like you survived the car accident but will soon perish from hypothermia.

hypothermiaWho put this glacier in South Carolina?

And you wonder if the ambulance is taking you to another state because the ride is so long, and you wonder if you will be that lucky bastard whose ambulance gets in a car accident on the way to the hospital, because that would be just perfect.

3.    Pretty much everyone will see you naked

In the ambulance they cut off my clothing.  I felt it.  I was exposed as fuck.  And I did not care.  Being in shock does that to you.  I had a half-cone thing around my neck and I was butt nekkid save for the hospital blankets when they wheeled me in to the trauma center, where my blankets were lifted and I was butt nekkid to all eyes under fluorescent lights.  Howdy, everyone!  When everyone had seen my naked lumpy flesh, I was subjected to an MRI and then wheeled back to the trauma ward to hang out for what felt like months.  The MRI, the exams, the questioning could have all happened in one spot for all I know.  I was cognizant but also distant.  I recall being wheeled around on my stretcher, but how far I traveled is a mystery.  The janitor could have practiced drawing my blood and I’d just stare at the ceiling.  There is no time for modesty or judgement in the trauma center.

4.  Strange men will wipe your vag

When you’re not allowed to rise from the bed, and eventually you have to pee, you know what happens.

bedpanShown here much less awkward than it actually is.

  A kind nurse brings a bedpan, and you revert to babyhood by attempting to pee lying down.  If you really gotta go, you will indeed pee lying down and it will feel awesome.  And then an orderly will wipe you.  He won’t like it, you won’t like it.  But he’ll do his job, and you both will try to make jokes and not make eye contact and it will be fine because you feel like maybe you died and this is only heck, which is a nicer but still inconvenient suburb of hell.

5.  The seatbelt will kick your ass

seatbletdogArtist’s rendition of how cute I look half-conscious in a seatbelt.

I’m certainly not saying not to wear seatbelts.  Wear seatbelts!  And sit a reasonable distance from your front airbag.  My airbags did me no harm at all.  My seatbelt, while saving me a massive head injury, did indeed leave scars.  I have one on my neck from when I slipped forward and it caught me.  It was a nasty gash for about a month, and kept getting gooey and my long hair would stick to it when I slept and ewwwww……..then it finally healed into a red scar I plan on telling everyone I sustained in a prison riot.  Where the lap belt held my body to the seat, I have scar tissue that pushes my stomach in and leaves a weird bulge above where it indents, like I have a very odd muffintop jutting out on one side.  Also, my stomach was bruised dark purple for a good three weeks, and I was stuck wearing leggings/yoga pants from the tenderness and swelling.  Is this better than not wearing a seatbelt?  YES.  Is it still shitty?  YES.


Epilogue:  I ended up with the aforementioned scarring and a fractured lumbar vertebrae.  I am in pain to this day and there is no guarantee I will never not be in constant pain.  My son is just fine; he had some minor bruising that cleared up within a couple days.  The accident was my fault and I was told by the police in the hospital that the woman I hit was well after the incident and did not even need medical assistance.  I hope she is doing fine and got a new car out of it to boot, if indeed it was totaled.  I never found out, but I can’t imagine it came out well if mine was a total loss.  Wear your seatbelts, kids!  Seriously.  Do it.  And have good car insurance!  And airbags are awesome.  You never know….

4 Creepy Remedies for the Black Death

Everyone’s heard of the bubonic plague that devastated Europe in the middle ages (um, you have, right?), but you may not know about some of the insane and/or disgusting supposed remedies that were recommended by authority figures.  Hope you’re not eating right now, because we’re starting with……

1.  Taking a Big Ol’ Whiff of Your Neighbor’s Dump

portapotty      Medieval citizens were told a great way to stay healthy and boil-free was to stand above a latrine and inhale the stench.  It was advised that this be done “on an empty stomach,” presumably because dry-heaves are better than chucking your breakfast into the cesspit.

2.  Drink/Bathe in Your Pee


Again with the body fluids.  Beyond simply drinking your own urine (or as one monk recommended, goat urine), you could also go in with a friend and bathe together in it.  If swallowing it down was too fast of a method, many who tended the sick in plague houses and otherwise liked to “take their own urine, put it in a glazed pot and boil it until it is evaporated to a salt; after this they take a good knife-point full of this salt on a piece of bread which has been dipped in sweet oil and eat it early of a morning on an empty stomach….”  Delicious!

3.  All Natural, Organic…..Paper


Yes, there was a way to avoid copious blood-vomiting without involving human waste.  All you had to do was eat paper.  Not just any paper, but scrolls with religious phrases on them such as “Christus natus, Christus passus, Christus a mortuis resurrexit.”   For the paper with this phrase, you needed to fold it “seven times to the number of five times,” (what?) and eat one everyday on an empty stomach.  And then your stomach would have paper in it.  And you’d still probably die from the plague.

4.  Spread em’ and Weep (well, I’d cry like a bitch anyway…..)

thighs     You’ve inhaled and/or drank your own waste and eaten paper, but there’s something missing.  You really want to injure yourself; that should be a sure-fire remedy.  Well, this preventative is right up your freaky alley.  “A….preventative measure was the blistering of the thighs by means of Spanish flies, burning herbs, or surgical operation.  The wounds were kept open artificially during the whole duration of the plague, and fresh butter or lard was rubbed into them.”   Awesome.

So what if you do all these things and still get the plague?  Is there possibly a cure worse than what has already been described?

Oh…..yes, yes there is.


Puppies in an article about the plague?  Whyyyyy?  I’m so sorry, but this is why:

For delirium and inflammation of the brain, “….a young pigeon should be taken and torn asunder and, still warm, applied to the head, in the same manner a puppy dog of one month old may be used.”

Yeah.  So.     Maybe quit bitching about how much your insurance costs, because I’m pretty sure you won’t be assaulted at the Primary Care office with dead puppies.

SOURCE:  The Black Death: A Chronicle of The Plague, by Johannes Nohl.  Get it on Amazon for more fun plague facts!