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Category Archives: Antique, Vintage, and Retro

Vintage Things are Funny, Suggestive, and Dangerous (Part One)

Courtesy of a 1967 issue of Good Housekeeping, and a 1968 issue of LIFE, these ads deserve to be shared.

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“Look, mom! The people in the car we’re about to crash into head-on aren’t wearing seatbelts either!”

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Maybe it’s because I’ve never had a “corn” or a wart, but the bold, screaming part of this ad strikes me (ouch) as hilarious.

ImageHer dress features a rocket pointed at her mouth.  Did you think innuendo was new?

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Nine kids?  Truth in advertising.  There are definitely no spills in Mrs. Bauer’s house.

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Is there any pie left? I’m gonna grab a piece.  Nevermind, just lost my appetite.  Effective diet aid is effective.

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Just in case you thought “ducklips” was a modern phenomenon.

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People Who Don’t Lead By Example

People Who Don’t Lead By Example

Yeah, me.  I bitch about other bloggers abandoning blogs I enjoy and then I fly the coop.  Uncool, I know.  I got “involved” with someone and abandoned my late-night blogging for the pleasures of the flesh, or as I (and Tone Loc) like to call it, the funky cold medina.  Yeah, I know, it was a DRINK.  Artistic license, people.  Unfortunately, some of the best sheet-rumplers are batshit crazy and I am considering becoming a nun.  Sigh.  I shall return with some funny soon, right now I am considering either tying my iPhone to an anchor and dropping it into the Bermuda Triangle to stop the incessant and crazy texting and calling, or entering the witness protection program.

Party on and stay tuned.

I’m Bringin’ Sexysnack (with apologies to Justin Timberlake)

I’m Bringin’ Sexysnack (with apologies to Justin Timberlake)

Ah…..so sorry.  I ditched.  I actually have to study this semester.  It’s a most curious and irritating and time-consuming thing.  I plan to collect more pictures of this nature, but for now I will bring you what I have, and what I have is food that wants to have sex with you, or you with it, or maybe it just wants to watch.  I’m just saying I have some sexually suggestive food pictures to share that you perverts should enjoy.  All photo credits to worstthingieverate.com unless otherwise noted.   (If you’re wondering, yes, I would much rather being you pictures I scan myself, such as in my posts about the antique/vintage textbooks, but I am out of material.  I have some things planned for Feb. though so stayed tuned, I need to ebay around for some goodies.)  Anyway…..NOW START SEXY FOOD TIME.

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Pork faggots with more sauce.  Mr. Brain would.

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Hint: Read the shelf label.

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Crazy-Eyes Deen wants to give you a Butt Massage.

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Canned Bananas.  Right.

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Glad I could help you with your diet.

Old-Skool Textbook Vandals, I Thank Thee

Old-Skool Textbook Vandals, I Thank Thee

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Kids these days!  And yesterday, and the day before, and 20 years ago, and a hundred years ago, and probably a thousand years ago too.  Also most likely far into the future as long as kids exist.  They will always give in to the same urges, and one of those is to deface your textbook.  One difference from then and now is that textbooks used to be passed on within the family, so you get siblings or cousins using the same book, with multiple names and dates written in them.  It seems the newest owner made their mark, and if so inclined, went on to do their own scribbling and poetry-writing within.  Here are some examples from my own collection of antique textbooks ranging from the 1800’s to 1920.

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First we have Personal Hygiene, a text copyrighted 1913.  It was owned by a “Jesse M. Balmer” of Beaver(farm? you tell me, pic below), Ohio in 1918.

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Jesse either was quite bored in school or at home.  He had some great limericks to record in the back of his book.  Here they are as presented, and I will recreate them below (all [sic], I did not make any grammar corrections.):

“Times are hard

girls are plenty

Don’t get married

Before your twenty”

“KAISER bill went up the hill to take a shot at france.

Kaiser Bill came down the hill with bullets in his pance.”

“I wish I had a nickle

I wish I had a dime

I wish I had a girl

I’d kiss her all the time.”

“you I loved when first we met

you I loved & love you yet

you I love & shall love forever

you may change but I will never.”

D’awwwwww, thanks Jesse.  By the way, I wonder if Jesse noticed this picture in the book, which although it professes to show proper rain gear, it seems that this kid is walking one of those invisible-dog joke leash things.  Did those even exist back then?  Is Rain-man(boy?) here a time traveler?

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Next up is a “Harper’s United States Readers”  Third Reader.  The copyright is 1872.  That…..is 140 years ago.  I can make out two names in this book, a James H. Stone and a Seri or Levi Kelley.  If there was any address scribbled in, it is long lost.

One of the two names in the book liked to put coins under the pages then rub them with graphite, which was a wonderful find.  Someone also drew a couple stickmen that seem to be eating a dowsing rod.

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A difficult-to-read poem on the backside of the first blank page reads, again, [sic]:

“When a girr have a man

and he a clipper

hit him over the head

with the heel of your Slipper”

The grammar is horrid, but I can’t argue with the sentiment, assuming a “clipper” was a jerk, and not just some random innocent barber.

The back of the book gives us a lot of scribbles, and, mysteriously, what looks like “666” scrawled into the bottom right corner.  Check it:

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Bringing up the rear with a short and sweet entry, we have “Stoddard’s New Intellectual Arithmetic,” copyright 1849.  It belonged  to an Alex Crawford of Gardendale, Michigan.

He liked to write his name a lot, and left this common come-on on the first blank page:

“If my name you wish to see look on page 103.”

Well we all know how this one works.  I turn to that page, it tells me to turn to another one, and another one, kind of a depressingly predictable Choose Your Own Adventure.  So, let’s turn to page 103!  Behold!  Here it is:

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Annnnnd……nothing.  Except that maybe proof that ADHD is nothing new.

Home-making For Teenagers, 1972

Home-making For Teenagers, 1972

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This was a disappointing venture for me.  “Home-making for Teenagers,” which suggests that before you turn 20 you will be expected to exist in the suburbs with a kid or five and a husband to wait on, was surprisingly  modern.  It has an original copyright of 1958 and this is the updated 1972 text.  It features practical lessons that really should still be taught in school, such as the consequences of credit card and other debt, financial planning, and saving for the future.  But this post is not about practical advice and seriousness, so let’s begin, these dapper teenagers are waiting for you…..

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I won’t lie, I covet that dress on Marcia Brady up there.  COVET IT.

Let’s get started with a look at employment in the era, which required you to give up some curious info.  We would go several years with this kind of information on an application or in an interview being verboten, and then Facebook would arrive for us all to go all out with the TMI.

PhotobucketAlright then.  Marital Status?  Yes, we give up this info for our W-2 forms, after we are hired, but not usually before.  Not so eyebrow-raising though.  How about: Does your wife/husband work? His or her earnings $____ per week?   Well, that’s kinda, um, what the what?  Do you own your home?  Pay rent?  Monthly rent?  Woah buddy,  what’s it to ya?  I want to drop this basket of fries into this here boiling grease, not buy a car.  And the capper, the pinacle, the vague yet pointed query, Do you have any physical defects?  If yes, describe.  I have all my limbs but I do have a tiny pimple from blowing my nose so much this week cuz I had a cold and….NO JOB FOR YOU.  :::sob:::

Let’s talk child development, in the chapter immediately following the amusingly named to some/horrifyingly named to others MARRIAGE AS A CAREER section.

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The caption to this terrifying photo is presented in full.  The obvious issue not addressed is that THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA WHO THE HELL WOULD DO THIS

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A bit garbled, but I’m not re-scanning.  Nope.  Tough noogies.  The caption reads “This boy enjoys the flavor and texture of a crisp apple.”  Really?  The kid looks like he just bit through a worm.

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She is asserting herself as a female by being interested in “…dolls, pretty hair, and helping Mother.”  and by being “shy,” and she also “giggles when she sees a boy.”  I think by “asserting herself as a female” they must mean “Thank God, she isn’t wearing muddy overalls and playing stickball in the alley.  We won’t have to send her to that aversion camp after all.”

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Sorry, I didn’t “notice what the children are eating.”  I did notice that mommy looks about to drop, and she seems to be having a bottle of wine for dinner.  HOME MAKING FOR TEENAGERS- tonight on Lifetime.

Nightmare on Vegan Street (or, I think I’m turning Veganese I think I’m turning Veganese I really think so….)

Nightmare on Vegan Street (or, I think I’m turning Veganese I think I’m turning Veganese I really think so….)

Done going through my 60’s Home Economics textbook and will get that uploaded tomorrow, but had to put this up by itself in all its horror.

Call me uncultured (you’re uncultured!) but I had no idea people ate this part.  In America.  In modern times.  Not on a dare.

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Tasty.  (hurk)  Sorry it isn’t in color.  They also have stuffing instructions, and I would be remiss to not share them with you.  “To stuff, remove main blood vessels, cut through inside sections to accommodate stuffing.”

For the stuffing I recommend candied nightmares.

You’d Be Prettier if You Pooped More…. (and other depression-era beauty advice)

You’d Be Prettier if You Pooped More….  (and other depression-era beauty advice)

Don’t let the stock market get you down.  Perk up with these beauty-saving and awkward inventions of the 1930’s.  All the ads below come from the November 1931 issue of Modern Screen magazine.  I scanned them from my personal collection, so if you wish to make use of them yourself, please give credit where it is due.  Enjoy!

This is what the title of this post is all about……

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“Keeping clean internally repays you with a clear complexion, energy and pep, and a sparkling loveliness that wins admiration……Sal Hepatica……clears the bloodstream, ends constipation, gets rid of the poisons that keep you from being good-looking, clear-eyed, alluring…..gain the sparkle, charm, life that win and hold the admiration of men.”

It’s a laxative.  Men will notice you sparkling because you are sweating and sprinting for the toilet every ten minutes.  I think men admire bowel movements in general, so you shouldn’t assume it’s specifically your grace and charm that is getting their nods of approval.

PhotobucketChrist, Francis, have you no shame?  Everyone at the country club can see your disgusting freckles, you lazy pig of a girl.

“….free booklet.  Tells you why you have freckles……”

It’s because you had impure thoughts about daddy’s golf caddy and you know it.

Photobucket My favorite part of this ad is that they want you to wear it “while you sleep or work.”  So it functions as birth control as well as a sexual-harassment-prevention device.

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I don’t get the “leap year” comment, but somehow this product, which is “not a dye” and contains “no harmful chemicals” will turn you into a blonde, which will get you your man THIS YEAR.  Finally, you will have self-worth.

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Well, indeed this is worse than freckles.  This product will melt flesh off your face.  Moles AND “Big Growths.”  That’d be a great band name, by the way. I hope your BIG GROWTHS don’t “drop off” in public.  I think the stuff is/was acid.  You?

All that copy and no information on what is actually in the stuff.  The product name sounds like something you spread on toast, but I think this one was in the poop-yourself-thin category of weight reduction miracles.  The last paragraph (that you can’t read, I’ll try to get a better scan) speaketh the truth….”YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO BE ABNORMAL.”