Plenty of Fish Sticks and Swift Kicks (the unintelligible abyss of online dating)

Well, since I am approximately 15% hopelessly optimistic, I have plopped myself onto a dating website.   However, this post is not to record my diary of adventures in mating dating.  There are some interesting characters looking for hot, filthy love out there and the pictures they post to get the attention of a potential paramour can indeed be baffling.  So can the verbal diarrhea they pound out onto the keyboard for readers to decipher.  Let’s enjoy some examples, shall we?   Wheeeeee!

This is apparently one of my matches.  How, I have no idea.

It must be her maturity and charm that the site thinks I’ll be attracted to.

Let’s learn about Sweetie-pie here:

“I’m enlisting in the army soon…i need someone who i know is gonna be there for me and never question my actions.”

Ah, I can see how that first date would go………………………………………

Me: So, what made you choose the Army?

Her: :::::sucker punch to my face::::::

“I take academics very seriously but ima major party animal too”

Yup, seems legit.

“I’m not interested in fat girls or 3somes so stop hitting me up with that bullshit.I want a fit looking,attractive woman who knows what she wants in life…why is that so hard to ask for?wanna know more?just hmu.”

Yeah, take THAT heifers.  You’re totally missing out.  Also, she has an emu?  Lost me there.

“If they can keep up with me…a jog on the beach or through the park.or…coffee and a movie?”

Ya know…….I’m gonna pass.  I definitely cannot keep up with your high standards of asshole-itry.

Next Candidate…………………………

This one is “NOT LOOKING”

I can tell by her pose she isn’t the least bit interested in attracting a mate.  In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s a mime doing “invisible toilet.”

Also, the tag is on the dress.  Classy.

I wonder if she has any requirements or rules…….

“To start off with and to go ahead and get this out the way:
1-I don’t put up with bullshyt
2-If you’re looking for sex keep it moving
3-I am a lesbian so NO MEN.
4-I am a lesbian that takes NO interest in WHITE women.
5-I am a lesbian that takes NO interest in FEMMES so that means STUDS only
6-If you don’t have your own transportation DON’T EMAIL ME.
7-If you can’t support yourself DON’T EMAIL ME.
8-I am an attractive woman and therefore I look for other attractive women.”

Oh okeydokey.

Next Candidate……………………………………………

Ok, I’m not a jackass, but come on, you can exaggerate a tiny bit and then you can completely bullshit the hell out of your own self description.  This lady, who seems quite nice and not at all full of attitude like our previous contestants, describes her body size as “a few extra pounds.”  Honey, I’m a 10/12, THAT’S a “few extra pounds,” not this:

God love ya, nobody’s perfect.  Just don’t lie.

Batter up……………………………………………………….

This is not “a few extra pounds” either.  If it is, I’m damn near anorexic.

Also, ARE YOU  IN A BURGER KING?

Sigh, NEXT and LAST (for now)……………………………………………………………………..

I don’t know if this uniform indicates, Navy, Police, some other sort of emergency unit, or mall security, but I do know that when she says this is where you will go on your first date……

“Somewhere so we can talk and get to know more about each other.”

She means her bathroom.

A Vagina on a Belt Buckle? Now My Life is Complete.

It’s nice to like your body parts.  I don’t know how nice it is to wear representations *of* those body parts and shock your grandma.  I found these artsy representations of a woman’s anatomy (yes I have to specify that, some of the interpretations need an introduction to be recognized) on etsy.com.  I found them two days ago so they are probably still there if you cannot live without vagina-shaped soap.

Here is the aforementioned soap.  Slip one into those decorative soap displays at a fancy hotel and make life slightly more interesting (or confusing) for the next guest.  Sadly, the particular scent of this soap is not listed in the item description.

It looks like one of those large cut amethyst rocks with the rough edges you find at earthy gift shops, no?  But it is a washcloth.  I remember that jingle…. “you’re not fully clean unless you’re vag fully clean….”   Also, if your bajinga is that color, please seek medical attention.  Yes, it’s pretty, but it is just not normal.

Now here we have a belt buckle.  Because now we are proudly wearing artsy-fartsy sculpted vaginas on our person so everyone can see them.  Well, first they will spend a great deal of time staring and wondering what the heck that pretty design is.  What an interesting flower!  They will think.  But no, it is simply the fleshy pale cooter of a she-vampire that you have mounted (ha) on a belt buckle.  You sick fuck.

Or, you could wear this slutty shirt.  When people stop staring at your cleavage revealed in your super low-cut top, they will notice it has a print of a vagina on it.  Or not.  I’d never guess what that was on there.  Uh……some kind of random spiral design?  No?  And then you tell them what it is, and they recoil in horror.  The sheer size of the thing…..it’s just unnatural.  Unnerving.  They have to go now, please excuse them.

Is that…..a fuzzy portal?  In a way, yes.  Here we have male and female slippers.  Keep your toes toasty by slipping them into some genitals.

This shirt is a nightmare.  What is with the yellow comic book KA-POW thingee over her crotch?  What is going on with that thing?  Maybe we should be glad it’s covered.  Her friends sure seem interested.  Need a hand, Diane?  Nope! Three’s a crowd!  Also, that guy is so high.

And speaking of being and getting high, now you can smoke a bowl right out yer hole!  It’s a work of art, really.  Petrified cunt.

Ok, this….is a hair barrette.  And I want it bad.  It’s subtle, you could wear this thing to church.  It is very flowery, looks like a nice breeze is fluttering through the labia there.  Yep.  I need this.

 

These are cards.  You could send one to your gynecologist.  Or get a fun restraining order by sending one to your chiropractor.

Hope you enjoyed these.  Coming soon:  Fat Food, Creepy Personals, Glamour Shots, and more.  Follow me @ ladyapathetica on twitter for blog updates.

Blogs That Made Me Love Them, Then Left Me

There are some blogs I used to enjoy that, tragically, have either disappeared completely or have not been updated in such a long time I think they may disappear soon.  If you know what happened to any of these, please toss me a comment.

patheticpersonals.com was, indeed, pathetic.  It was a collection of personal ads from this great internet that made you laugh or cringe or shake your head or laughcringeshake til it hurt.  The grammar…..the pictures…… (oh yeah, the Glamour Shots)…..the tragedy of it all and the crippling realization that these people will most likely meet their own kind and live happily ever after and I will still be single.  What with my hoity-toity indoor plumbing and deodorant use and all.    I found this lovely Glamour Shot  thanks to Google, and recognized it as one that was also on the site.  It’s not ridiculous because she is a big lady.  It’s ridiculous because of the shiny gold, the poofy hair, and the collar-holding.  Always with the collar-holding, these pics, why did anyone think this is attractive/alluring/whatever the hell it is supposed to be?

There was an entire category for personal ads in which the person typed “bowel” instead of “bowl” in the text,  a category for baby-mama-drama, a category for pregnant illiterates seeking love, it was glorious.  And one day it just disappeared.  It hopped aboard Oceanic flight 815 (anyone?) and went…..oh somewhere, I never finished watching that bucket of walrus shit.  Anyway, it is gone.

thisiswhyyourefat.com was exactly what it promises.  Pictures of offerings at all kinds of restaurants that were just oozing with fat and cholesterol.  There was no preaching.  Pictures were captioned with a short description of ingredients and sometimes a calorie count.  Not being a chicken eater myself, it’s how I found out the KFC double down existed and was not a joke.  This is not a joke:

That is as serious, and as literal, as a heart attack.  This site was both entertaining, depressing, and gut churning.  And it’s gone.

tombwrecks.blogspot.com didn’t disappear, it just hasn’t been updated since February 2011.  It featured mostly reader-submitted pictures of gravestones from all over the U.S.A. that had amusing names (like poor dearly departed “Oral Love,” R.I.P.) or sloppy/baffling pictures.  I have a funny last name, and I was expecting one of my relative’s graves to turn up on there eventually.  Alas, this blogger has skipped town.  Hope she comes back.  Here are a couple gems from the site:

Awesomest last name ever? It’s in the running at least.

And an inscription worthy of a double-take:

amateurebaymodels.com fell into the abyss recently (last post Dec. 5, 2011) so I still hope she will return.  The blog title sounds a bit naughty but it is all in fun and features folks who model their own goodies that they are selling on ebay.  And yes, their “goodies” feature prominently in a lot of the auctions……

Some need a valium, STAT……

Some are serious……

Some are adorable and having a fantastic time……

Some are…..um……

And some are damn pissed that you woke them up early for the pride parade……

Anyway, there are a lot of entertaining categories and I hope this blogger comes back soon.

And I’m out.

Homosterical

More record album covers and again the credit for all in this post goes to lpcoverlover.com.  These vintage treats are presented for either looking suspect (if you have a filthy, filthy mind.  And you really have no business here if you don’t.) or sounding that way due to changing slang.  Enjoy.

Wake me up before you go-go gay with Yvonne.

“Oh, Edna, you look so handsome in a suit.”

Marie puts on a lovely spread.

Remember when you were?  Sigh.

Who knew?

I bet you do.

2nd caption option for people who miss the title of the album and go ‘huh?’: Ugh, one of those annoying couples who dresses alike.

That’s all for today my dears.