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Category Archives: Fashionably Numb

Vintage Things are Funny, Suggestive, and Dangerous (Part One)

Courtesy of a 1967 issue of Good Housekeeping, and a 1968 issue of LIFE, these ads deserve to be shared.


“Look, mom! The people in the car we’re about to crash into head-on aren’t wearing seatbelts either!”


Maybe it’s because I’ve never had a “corn” or a wart, but the bold, screaming part of this ad strikes me (ouch) as hilarious.

ImageHer dress features a rocket pointed at her mouth.  Did you think innuendo was new?


Nine kids?  Truth in advertising.  There are definitely no spills in Mrs. Bauer’s house.


Is there any pie left? I’m gonna grab a piece.  Nevermind, just lost my appetite.  Effective diet aid is effective.


Just in case you thought “ducklips” was a modern phenomenon.


Plenty of Fish Sticks and Swift Kicks (the unintelligible abyss of online dating)

Well, since I am approximately 15% hopelessly optimistic, I have plopped myself onto a dating website.   However, this post is not to record my diary of adventures in mating dating.  There are some interesting characters looking for hot, filthy love out there and the pictures they post to get the attention of a potential paramour can indeed be baffling.  So can the verbal diarrhea they pound out onto the keyboard for readers to decipher.  Let’s enjoy some examples, shall we?   Wheeeeee!

This is apparently one of my matches.  How, I have no idea.

It must be her maturity and charm that the site thinks I’ll be attracted to.

Let’s learn about Sweetie-pie here:

“I’m enlisting in the army soon…i need someone who i know is gonna be there for me and never question my actions.”

Ah, I can see how that first date would go………………………………………

Me: So, what made you choose the Army?

Her: :::::sucker punch to my face::::::

“I take academics very seriously but ima major party animal too”

Yup, seems legit.

“I’m not interested in fat girls or 3somes so stop hitting me up with that bullshit.I want a fit looking,attractive woman who knows what she wants in life…why is that so hard to ask for?wanna know more?just hmu.”

Yeah, take THAT heifers.  You’re totally missing out.  Also, she has an emu?  Lost me there.

“If they can keep up with me…a jog on the beach or through the park.or…coffee and a movie?”

Ya know…….I’m gonna pass.  I definitely cannot keep up with your high standards of asshole-itry.

Next Candidate…………………………

This one is “NOT LOOKING”

I can tell by her pose she isn’t the least bit interested in attracting a mate.  In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s a mime doing “invisible toilet.”

Also, the tag is on the dress.  Classy.

I wonder if she has any requirements or rules…….

“To start off with and to go ahead and get this out the way:
1-I don’t put up with bullshyt
2-If you’re looking for sex keep it moving
3-I am a lesbian so NO MEN.
4-I am a lesbian that takes NO interest in WHITE women.
5-I am a lesbian that takes NO interest in FEMMES so that means STUDS only
6-If you don’t have your own transportation DON’T EMAIL ME.
7-If you can’t support yourself DON’T EMAIL ME.
8-I am an attractive woman and therefore I look for other attractive women.”

Oh okeydokey.

Next Candidate……………………………………………

Ok, I’m not a jackass, but come on, you can exaggerate a tiny bit and then you can completely bullshit the hell out of your own self description.  This lady, who seems quite nice and not at all full of attitude like our previous contestants, describes her body size as “a few extra pounds.”  Honey, I’m a 10/12, THAT’S a “few extra pounds,” not this:

God love ya, nobody’s perfect.  Just don’t lie.

Batter up……………………………………………………….

This is not “a few extra pounds” either.  If it is, I’m damn near anorexic.


Sigh, NEXT and LAST (for now)……………………………………………………………………..

I don’t know if this uniform indicates, Navy, Police, some other sort of emergency unit, or mall security, but I do know that when she says this is where you will go on your first date……

“Somewhere so we can talk and get to know more about each other.”

She means her bathroom.

Bling on my Thing, Funk on my Junk

Bling on my Thing, Funk on my Junk

Hellooooooo kitty…..

Ladies, have you ever looked at your vagina and thought “Hmmmm, I dunno, seems like it needs something.  It just rests there,  boring the hell out of me every time I take off my pants.  Also, I am just not itchy and uncomfortable enough.”  If so, you might want to look into vajazzling to bling out your bits.  What is vajazzling?  The “official vajazzling site” ( gives us a concise explanation: “The act of applying glitter and jewels to a woman’s nether regions for aesthetic purposes.

Yep.   The official vajazzling site lets us know that “Snooki and the Kardashians” are into it.  Oh, goody, always wanted to emulate them!

Alright then, we get what they are and where they go……pretty much.  The site explains in more detail, “the freshly shaven or waxed area just over the clitoris. This is a safer spot, won’t interfere with toilet duties, won’t rub off as easily, and it allows for good old fashioned sex.”

The last six words quoted there are important.  “old fashioned sex.”  So, basically, missionary? Preferably through a hole in the sheet while both of you (or the whole blinged-out orgy…..I’m not judging) remain as clothed as possible.  You really don’t want too much friction on those things, lest they scratch you or your partner.  These are Swarovski crystals we’re talking about.  You don’t want anyone losing an eye if they are flung off your body violently.  Also, hello, choke hazard!  You should also warn your partner before they head south, as they certainly would not expect to find crystals glued to your ladyjunk.  Also, no lights-on business if your partner is epileptic.  The many, many points of reflecting light bouncing around could cause a seizure.

So now you are enlightened about vajazzling.  Try to slip that word into conversation as much as possible today.

But why would us ladies even want to do this?  Don’t we have to do enough?  Shave, makeup, hair style, diet, exercise, underwire bras, spanx……. we need something else time consuming and potentially painful?   Society is always wanting to keep us so preoccupied with making our own naturally hotter-than-men’s bodies look less human; we should have such outrage over yet another way to objectify us that the vajazzling website would be protested into extinction within a week.  Here’s an explanation from Jennifer Love Hewitt, also a vajazzling fan:

JLH: But for the ladies it really… I was feeling aweful I had been through a horrible breakup and I was like awe this is just aweful and I need something to make myself feel better and it was the one thing I had never tried before after a breakup.

(horrid grammar courtesy of the official vajazzling site.)

Well, shoot.  Yeah, Jen, I don’t think *most* people have tried gluing things to their vag after a breakup.   And personally, I don’t care what you do with your vagina.  You can stick a flag in it and sing Yankee Doodle for all I care.  You want to put something useful down there?  How about a sprig of parsley?  It is just an all-out dumb idea and anyone getting into your pants isn’t going to be more inclined to do so if you can catch the candlelight with your pubic region.  Out.

Penis Envy

Penis Envy

Here we go again with the genitalia-themed crafts.  I enjoy the word ‘plethora,’ and and pleased to use it now.  There is a PLETHORA of genetalia-themed crafts on etsy.  I have alreasy spelunked in the cave of vaginal craftiness, and now it is time for trouser sausage inspired crafts.  All of the items below are available on etsy right now, so hurry up and take this opportunity to own something that will make your parents proud and your friends jealous, something like……

We start with a little something for the ladies. Panties with a penis print for the girl who has it all, except a wiener.

A bag of crocheted, catnip-filled penises for your pussy to bat around. Bag o’dicks. It’s fun to say. Try to work those three words into conversation today.

Is that a flowered, stuffed fabric penis brooch on your chest,  or are you just happy to see me? It must be the former, since you don’t look at all happy to see me.


What happened when they made “There’s Something About Mary” into pincushion porn.  (Is that a thing?)  (Did I just invent it?)


“I hate men, but I would like to have a penis around, do you have a product for me?”   “Yes ma’am, yes we most certainly do.”


Dangling around your face, JUST HOW YOUR MOM LIKES THEM.


Has a crafty etsy seller enlisted their DAD to sell this racy apron?   Gah.


Have you seen those infomercials for that pillow-type item for large breasted ladies to put between their bewbs when they sleep on their side, for comfort?  You probably find that greatly amusing, unless you have big boobs and are instead thinking “hmmmmmm.  yes.  that WOULD be nice to have.”  Trust me on this one.  Anyway, I wonder if this anatomically correct pillow would also be helpful.  Just slide that ouioui between your jugs and ahhhh……comfort.  Will also scare burglars.  And possibly your cat.


I feel I’ve saved the best for last.  Really.  Penis gun?  What’s it shoot?  Yep.  And why does the south end look like lips?

People Who Don’t Lead By Example

People Who Don’t Lead By Example

Yeah, me.  I bitch about other bloggers abandoning blogs I enjoy and then I fly the coop.  Uncool, I know.  I got “involved” with someone and abandoned my late-night blogging for the pleasures of the flesh, or as I (and Tone Loc) like to call it, the funky cold medina.  Yeah, I know, it was a DRINK.  Artistic license, people.  Unfortunately, some of the best sheet-rumplers are batshit crazy and I am considering becoming a nun.  Sigh.  I shall return with some funny soon, right now I am considering either tying my iPhone to an anchor and dropping it into the Bermuda Triangle to stop the incessant and crazy texting and calling, or entering the witness protection program.

Party on and stay tuned.

A Vagina on a Belt Buckle? Now My Life is Complete.

A Vagina on a Belt Buckle?  Now My Life is Complete.

It’s nice to like your body parts.  I don’t know how nice it is to wear representations *of* those body parts and shock your grandma.  I found these artsy representations of a woman’s anatomy (yes I have to specify that, some of the interpretations need an introduction to be recognized) on  I found them two days ago so they are probably still there if you cannot live without vagina-shaped soap.


Here is the aforementioned soap.  Slip one into those decorative soap displays at a fancy hotel and make life slightly more interesting (or confusing) for the next guest.  Sadly, the particular scent of this soap is not listed in the item description.


It looks like one of those large cut amethyst rocks with the rough edges you find at earthy gift shops, no?  But it is a washcloth.  I remember that jingle…. “you’re not fully clean unless you’re vag fully clean….”   Also, if your bajinga is that color, please seek medical attention.  Yes, it’s pretty, but it is just not normal.


Now here we have a belt buckle.  Because now we are proudly wearing artsy-fartsy sculpted vaginas on our person so everyone can see them.  Well, first they will spend a great deal of time staring and wondering what the heck that pretty design is.  What an interesting flower!  They will think.  But no, it is simply the fleshy pale cooter of a she-vampire that you have mounted (ha) on a belt buckle.  You sick fuck.


Or, you could wear this slutty shirt.  When people stop staring at your cleavage revealed in your super low-cut top, they will notice it has a print of a vagina on it.  Or not.  I’d never guess what that was on there.  Uh……some kind of random spiral design?  No?  And then you tell them what it is, and they recoil in horror.  The sheer size of the thing…’s just unnatural.  Unnerving.  They have to go now, please excuse them.


Is that…..a fuzzy portal?  In a way, yes.  Here we have male and female slippers.  Keep your toes toasty by slipping them into some genitals.


This shirt is a nightmare.  What is with the yellow comic book KA-POW thingee over her crotch?  What is going on with that thing?  Maybe we should be glad it’s covered.  Her friends sure seem interested.  Need a hand, Diane?  Nope! Three’s a crowd!  Also, that guy is so high.


And speaking of being and getting high, now you can smoke a bowl right out yer hole!  It’s a work of art, really.  Petrified cunt.


Ok, this….is a hair barrette.  And I want it bad.  It’s subtle, you could wear this thing to church.  It is very flowery, looks like a nice breeze is fluttering through the labia there.  Yep.  I need this.


These are cards.  You could send one to your gynecologist.  Or get a fun restraining order by sending one to your chiropractor.

Hope you enjoyed these.  Coming soon:  Fat Food, Creepy Personals, Glamour Shots, and more.  Follow me @ ladyapathetica on twitter for blog updates.

You’d Be Prettier if You Pooped More…. (and other depression-era beauty advice)

You’d Be Prettier if You Pooped More….  (and other depression-era beauty advice)

Don’t let the stock market get you down.  Perk up with these beauty-saving and awkward inventions of the 1930’s.  All the ads below come from the November 1931 issue of Modern Screen magazine.  I scanned them from my personal collection, so if you wish to make use of them yourself, please give credit where it is due.  Enjoy!

This is what the title of this post is all about……


“Keeping clean internally repays you with a clear complexion, energy and pep, and a sparkling loveliness that wins admiration……Sal Hepatica……clears the bloodstream, ends constipation, gets rid of the poisons that keep you from being good-looking, clear-eyed, alluring…..gain the sparkle, charm, life that win and hold the admiration of men.”

It’s a laxative.  Men will notice you sparkling because you are sweating and sprinting for the toilet every ten minutes.  I think men admire bowel movements in general, so you shouldn’t assume it’s specifically your grace and charm that is getting their nods of approval.

PhotobucketChrist, Francis, have you no shame?  Everyone at the country club can see your disgusting freckles, you lazy pig of a girl.

“….free booklet.  Tells you why you have freckles……”

It’s because you had impure thoughts about daddy’s golf caddy and you know it.

Photobucket My favorite part of this ad is that they want you to wear it “while you sleep or work.”  So it functions as birth control as well as a sexual-harassment-prevention device.


I don’t get the “leap year” comment, but somehow this product, which is “not a dye” and contains “no harmful chemicals” will turn you into a blonde, which will get you your man THIS YEAR.  Finally, you will have self-worth.


Well, indeed this is worse than freckles.  This product will melt flesh off your face.  Moles AND “Big Growths.”  That’d be a great band name, by the way. I hope your BIG GROWTHS don’t “drop off” in public.  I think the stuff is/was acid.  You?

All that copy and no information on what is actually in the stuff.  The product name sounds like something you spread on toast, but I think this one was in the poop-yourself-thin category of weight reduction miracles.  The last paragraph (that you can’t read, I’ll try to get a better scan) speaketh the truth….”YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO BE ABNORMAL.”