I’m Bringin’ Sexysnack (with apologies to Justin Timberlake)

Ah…..so sorry.  I ditched.  I actually have to study this semester.  It’s a most curious and irritating and time-consuming thing.  I plan to collect more pictures of this nature, but for now I will bring you what I have, and what I have is food that wants to have sex with you, or you with it, or maybe it just wants to watch.  I’m just saying I have some sexually suggestive food pictures to share that you perverts should enjoy.  All photo credits to worstthingieverate.com unless otherwise noted.   (If you’re wondering, yes, I would much rather being you pictures I scan myself, such as in my posts about the antique/vintage textbooks, but I am out of material.  I have some things planned for Feb. though so stayed tuned, I need to ebay around for some goodies.)  Anyway…..NOW START SEXY FOOD TIME.

Pork faggots with more sauce.  Mr. Brain would.

Hint: Read the shelf label.

Crazy-Eyes Deen wants to give you a Butt Massage.

 

Canned Bananas.  Right.

Glad I could help you with your diet.

Old-Skool Textbook Vandals, I Thank Thee

Kids these days!  And yesterday, and the day before, and 20 years ago, and a hundred years ago, and probably a thousand years ago too.  Also most likely far into the future as long as kids exist.  They will always give in to the same urges, and one of those is to deface your textbook.  One difference from then and now is that textbooks used to be passed on within the family, so you get siblings or cousins using the same book, with multiple names and dates written in them.  It seems the newest owner made their mark, and if so inclined, went on to do their own scribbling and poetry-writing within.  Here are some examples from my own collection of antique textbooks ranging from the 1800’s to 1920.

First we have Personal Hygiene, a text copyrighted 1913.  It was owned by a “Jesse M. Balmer” of Beaver(farm? you tell me, pic below), Ohio in 1918.

Jesse either was quite bored in school or at home.  He had some great limericks to record in the back of his book.  Here they are as presented, and I will recreate them below (all [sic], I did not make any grammar corrections.):

“Times are hard

girls are plenty

Don’t get married

Before your twenty”

“KAISER bill went up the hill to take a shot at france.

Kaiser Bill came down the hill with bullets in his pance.”

“I wish I had a nickle

I wish I had a dime

I wish I had a girl

I’d kiss her all the time.”

“you I loved when first we met

you I loved & love you yet

you I love & shall love forever

you may change but I will never.”

D’awwwwww, thanks Jesse.  By the way, I wonder if Jesse noticed this picture in the book, which although it professes to show proper rain gear, it seems that this kid is walking one of those invisible-dog joke leash things.  Did those even exist back then?  Is Rain-man(boy?) here a time traveler?

Next up is a “Harper’s United States Readers”  Third Reader.  The copyright is 1872.  That…..is 140 years ago.  I can make out two names in this book, a James H. Stone and a Seri or Levi Kelley.  If there was any address scribbled in, it is long lost.

One of the two names in the book liked to put coins under the pages then rub them with graphite, which was a wonderful find.  Someone also drew a couple stickmen that seem to be eating a dowsing rod.

A difficult-to-read poem on the backside of the first blank page reads, again, [sic]:

“When a girr have a man

and he a clipper

hit him over the head

with the heel of your Slipper”

The grammar is horrid, but I can’t argue with the sentiment, assuming a “clipper” was a jerk, and not just some random innocent barber.

The back of the book gives us a lot of scribbles, and, mysteriously, what looks like “666” scrawled into the bottom right corner.  Check it:

Bringing up the rear with a short and sweet entry, we have “Stoddard’s New Intellectual Arithmetic,” copyright 1849.  It belonged  to an Alex Crawford of Gardendale, Michigan.

He liked to write his name a lot, and left this common come-on on the first blank page:

“If my name you wish to see look on page 103.”

Well we all know how this one works.  I turn to that page, it tells me to turn to another one, and another one, kind of a depressingly predictable Choose Your Own Adventure.  So, let’s turn to page 103!  Behold!  Here it is:

Annnnnd……nothing.  Except that maybe proof that ADHD is nothing new.

Home-making For Teenagers, 1972

This was a disappointing venture for me.  “Home-making for Teenagers,” which suggests that before you turn 20 you will be expected to exist in the suburbs with a kid or five and a husband to wait on, was surprisingly  modern.  It has an original copyright of 1958 and this is the updated 1972 text.  It features practical lessons that really should still be taught in school, such as the consequences of credit card and other debt, financial planning, and saving for the future.  But this post is not about practical advice and seriousness, so let’s begin, these dapper teenagers are waiting for you…..

I won’t lie, I covet that dress on Marcia Brady up there.  COVET IT.

Let’s get started with a look at employment in the era, which required you to give up some curious info.  We would go several years with this kind of information on an application or in an interview being verboten, and then Facebook would arrive for us all to go all out with the TMI.

Alright then.  Marital Status?  Yes, we give up this info for our W-2 forms, after we are hired, but not usually before.  Not so eyebrow-raising though.  How about: Does your wife/husband work? His or her earnings $____ per week?   Well, that’s kinda, um, what the what?  Do you own your home?  Pay rent?  Monthly rent?  Woah buddy,  what’s it to ya?  I want to drop this basket of fries into this here boiling grease, not buy a car.  And the capper, the pinacle, the vague yet pointed query, Do you have any physical defects?  If yes, describe.  I have all my limbs but I do have a tiny pimple from blowing my nose so much this week cuz I had a cold and….NO JOB FOR YOU.  :::sob:::

Let’s talk child development, in the chapter immediately following the amusingly named to some/horrifyingly named to others MARRIAGE AS A CAREER section.

The caption to this terrifying photo is presented in full.  The obvious issue not addressed is that THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA WHO THE HELL WOULD DO THIS

A bit garbled, but I’m not re-scanning.  Nope.  Tough noogies.  The caption reads “This boy enjoys the flavor and texture of a crisp apple.”  Really?  The kid looks like he just bit through a worm.

She is asserting herself as a female by being interested in “…dolls, pretty hair, and helping Mother.”  and by being “shy,” and she also “giggles when she sees a boy.”  I think by “asserting herself as a female” they must mean “Thank God, she isn’t wearing muddy overalls and playing stickball in the alley.  We won’t have to send her to that aversion camp after all.”

Sorry, I didn’t “notice what the children are eating.”  I did notice that mommy looks about to drop, and she seems to be having a bottle of wine for dinner.  HOME MAKING FOR TEENAGERS- tonight on Lifetime.

Nightmare on Vegan Street (or, I think I’m turning Veganese I think I’m turning Veganese I really think so….)

Done going through my 60’s Home Economics textbook and will get that uploaded tomorrow, but had to put this up by itself in all its horror.

Call me uncultured (you’re uncultured!) but I had no idea people ate this part.  In America.  In modern times.  Not on a dare.

Tasty.  (hurk)  Sorry it isn’t in color.  They also have stuffing instructions, and I would be remiss to not share them with you.  “To stuff, remove main blood vessels, cut through inside sections to accommodate stuffing.”

For the stuffing I recommend candied nightmares.

You’d Be Prettier if You Pooped More…. (and other depression-era beauty advice)

Don’t let the stock market get you down.  Perk up with these beauty-saving and awkward inventions of the 1930’s.  All the ads below come from the November 1931 issue of Modern Screen magazine.  I scanned them from my personal collection, so if you wish to make use of them yourself, please give credit where it is due.  Enjoy!

This is what the title of this post is all about……

“Keeping clean internally repays you with a clear complexion, energy and pep, and a sparkling loveliness that wins admiration……Sal Hepatica……clears the bloodstream, ends constipation, gets rid of the poisons that keep you from being good-looking, clear-eyed, alluring…..gain the sparkle, charm, life that win and hold the admiration of men.”

It’s a laxative.  Men will notice you sparkling because you are sweating and sprinting for the toilet every ten minutes.  I think men admire bowel movements in general, so you shouldn’t assume it’s specifically your grace and charm that is getting their nods of approval.

Christ, Francis, have you no shame?  Everyone at the country club can see your disgusting freckles, you lazy pig of a girl.

“….free booklet.  Tells you why you have freckles……”

It’s because you had impure thoughts about daddy’s golf caddy and you know it.

My favorite part of this ad is that they want you to wear it “while you sleep or work.”  So it functions as birth control as well as a sexual-harassment-prevention device.

I don’t get the “leap year” comment, but somehow this product, which is “not a dye” and contains “no harmful chemicals” will turn you into a blonde, which will get you your man THIS YEAR.  Finally, you will have self-worth.

Well, indeed this is worse than freckles.  This product will melt flesh off your face.  Moles AND “Big Growths.”  That’d be a great band name, by the way. I hope your BIG GROWTHS don’t “drop off” in public.  I think the stuff is/was acid.  You?

All that copy and no information on what is actually in the stuff.  The product name sounds like something you spread on toast, but I think this one was in the poop-yourself-thin category of weight reduction miracles.  The last paragraph (that you can’t read, I’ll try to get a better scan) speaketh the truth….”YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO BE ABNORMAL.”

Blogs That Made Me Love Them, Then Left Me

There are some blogs I used to enjoy that, tragically, have either disappeared completely or have not been updated in such a long time I think they may disappear soon.  If you know what happened to any of these, please toss me a comment.

patheticpersonals.com was, indeed, pathetic.  It was a collection of personal ads from this great internet that made you laugh or cringe or shake your head or laughcringeshake til it hurt.  The grammar…..the pictures…… (oh yeah, the Glamour Shots)…..the tragedy of it all and the crippling realization that these people will most likely meet their own kind and live happily ever after and I will still be single.  What with my hoity-toity indoor plumbing and deodorant use and all.    I found this lovely Glamour Shot  thanks to Google, and recognized it as one that was also on the site.  It’s not ridiculous because she is a big lady.  It’s ridiculous because of the shiny gold, the poofy hair, and the collar-holding.  Always with the collar-holding, these pics, why did anyone think this is attractive/alluring/whatever the hell it is supposed to be?

There was an entire category for personal ads in which the person typed “bowel” instead of “bowl” in the text,  a category for baby-mama-drama, a category for pregnant illiterates seeking love, it was glorious.  And one day it just disappeared.  It hopped aboard Oceanic flight 815 (anyone?) and went…..oh somewhere, I never finished watching that bucket of walrus shit.  Anyway, it is gone.

thisiswhyyourefat.com was exactly what it promises.  Pictures of offerings at all kinds of restaurants that were just oozing with fat and cholesterol.  There was no preaching.  Pictures were captioned with a short description of ingredients and sometimes a calorie count.  Not being a chicken eater myself, it’s how I found out the KFC double down existed and was not a joke.  This is not a joke:

That is as serious, and as literal, as a heart attack.  This site was both entertaining, depressing, and gut churning.  And it’s gone.

tombwrecks.blogspot.com didn’t disappear, it just hasn’t been updated since February 2011.  It featured mostly reader-submitted pictures of gravestones from all over the U.S.A. that had amusing names (like poor dearly departed “Oral Love,” R.I.P.) or sloppy/baffling pictures.  I have a funny last name, and I was expecting one of my relative’s graves to turn up on there eventually.  Alas, this blogger has skipped town.  Hope she comes back.  Here are a couple gems from the site:

Awesomest last name ever? It’s in the running at least.

And an inscription worthy of a double-take:

amateurebaymodels.com fell into the abyss recently (last post Dec. 5, 2011) so I still hope she will return.  The blog title sounds a bit naughty but it is all in fun and features folks who model their own goodies that they are selling on ebay.  And yes, their “goodies” feature prominently in a lot of the auctions……

Some need a valium, STAT……

Some are serious……

Some are adorable and having a fantastic time……

Some are…..um……

And some are damn pissed that you woke them up early for the pride parade……

Anyway, there are a lot of entertaining categories and I hope this blogger comes back soon.

And I’m out.

How to Stalk Me

You can follow me on twitter @ Ladyapathetica  if you so desire.  Blog updates get posted there and sometimes I say things that some questionably sane people find amusing.

Homosterical

More record album covers and again the credit for all in this post goes to lpcoverlover.com.  These vintage treats are presented for either looking suspect (if you have a filthy, filthy mind.  And you really have no business here if you don’t.) or sounding that way due to changing slang.  Enjoy.

Wake me up before you go-go gay with Yvonne.

“Oh, Edna, you look so handsome in a suit.”

Marie puts on a lovely spread.

Remember when you were?  Sigh.

Who knew?

I bet you do.

2nd caption option for people who miss the title of the album and go ‘huh?’: Ugh, one of those annoying couples who dresses alike.

That’s all for today my dears.

Jesus, This is Disturbing

Vintage gospel albums are a ripe source of hilarity.  The credit for all of the images in this post go to lpcoverlover.com, a great resource you should definitely check out if you are into old album covers.  If you’re not, and look at it anyway, you probably will be soon.

Some gospel albums make you want to call the police.

Oh, gawd honey, are you ok?  But it gets worse.

I want to be horrified, but the kid looks pretty smug about it.

Some are asking for it:

Wowza.  The Dixie Chicks they are not.

While others give you a cult glare and beckon you to join them:

….or else

These folks feel fine about their conversion:

Especially the male member of the group.  He is fucking STOKED.

More tomorrow.

So You’re Afraid To Get Your Bajinga Waxed Professionally (part 1)

Let’s start this blog of mine off with a bang-a-roo, eh?  I’m getting older and lazier.  I’m not, however, getting better at making small talk.  I can’t even think of interesting things to say to the stylist when I get my haircut.  The thought of getting professionally (or hell, even semi-professionally) brazillianed (it’s my blog and I can invent words if I want to) terrifies me for the social aspect as well as the fear, which I don’t think is unfounded, that cooter-waxers get together, go through client cards, and make up all kinds of metaphors for your lady business.  I don’t believe this fear is unfounded, because any reasonable vag-landscaper would do the same thing.

So my first foray into the home versions of making my junk socially acceptable was with Veet Fast Acting Gel Cream Hair Remover for Legs and Body, Sensitive Formula with aloe vera.  This stuff, in this attractive, ladylike pink tube:

Texture:  Creamy, seeps under your fingernails, gets everywhere.

Smell:  Not horrible.  No olfactory hints of the horrors to come.

Pain: Oh the burning!  The prickly burning.  But you ain’t seen (er, felt) nothin yet.

Duration: 10 minutes max, as per the instructions.

Effectiveness: Unimpressive.  Patchy.  Takes care of most of your hideous, offensive, shameful pubes, but you’ll still need a razor.  Too bad you’re so red and raw and burny and itchy to want to take a rake to your angry, angry genitals.  Your genitals are probably angry at you because the tube also says “do not use on genitals” but you tried it anyway, didn’t you?  DIDN’T YOU?  Why did *I* try it? Because I know damn well when you go picking through the hair-removal choices, you would probably consider it too.  It sounds friendly enough.  Aloe vera! Sensitive formula!

Verdict: Just say no.  Or, fine, try it.  Then you can sit here like me, with a burning/itching sensation not normally experienced this side of Tijuana, with two mini-bottles I pulled out of the freezer stuck between my legs to ease the burn.

And yes, I said and meant part one.  When I again become unable to take my cookie jar to social functions, I’ll again try another method off the shelf for your enjoyment.  I’m sacrificing my she-wolf to save vaginas across the land.  What?  I ran out of metaphors.