20 Ridiculous Church Marquee Signs

Amirite?

Personally, I do not church, but I enjoy a sign with innuendo because I’m secretly a 14 year old boy.   Would you like to see some funny church marquees?  Yes?  Commence with the scrolling, amen.

ooooooh noooooo

Good one, but I feel strongly that a church of all places should know how to spell “altar.”

Ok this one isn’t sexual, just weird. Spiritual Marshmallows…….great band name.

Ah….HAAAAAaaaaaaaa

Thanks for the warning

Also not sexual, but I really like this one

Wow

Guess I don’t have any real friends, then

Heh heh.  Indeed.

Works for my dad.

(Ok, so I have some non-innuendo signs in here.  Get over it.)

Back dat ass up for Jezub

Heh heh heh heh

Noted.

It’s just polyester anyway, I prefer silk.

Will do

Churches make me nervous

Nice

can’t even

Yes?

Hope they marinate him first

4 Creepy Remedies for the Black Death

Everyone’s heard of the bubonic plague that devastated Europe in the middle ages (um, you have, right?), but you may not know about some of the insane and/or disgusting supposed remedies that were recommended by authority figures.  Hope you’re not eating right now, because we’re starting with……

1.  Taking a Big Ol’ Whiff of Your Neighbor’s Dump

      Medieval citizens were told a great way to stay healthy and boil-free was to stand above a latrine and inhale the stench.  It was advised that this be done “on an empty stomach,” presumably because dry-heaves are better than chucking your breakfast into the cesspit.

2.  Drink/Bathe in Your Pee

Again with the body fluids.  Beyond simply drinking your own urine (or as one monk recommended, goat urine), you could also go in with a friend and bathe together in it.  If swallowing it down was too fast of a method, many who tended the sick in plague houses and otherwise liked to “take their own urine, put it in a glazed pot and boil it until it is evaporated to a salt; after this they take a good knife-point full of this salt on a piece of bread which has been dipped in sweet oil and eat it early of a morning on an empty stomach….”  Delicious!

3.  All Natural, Organic…..Paper

Yes, there was a way to avoid copious blood-vomiting without involving human waste.  All you had to do was eat paper.  Not just any paper, but scrolls with religious phrases on them such as “Christus natus, Christus passus, Christus a mortuis resurrexit.”   For the paper with this phrase, you needed to fold it “seven times to the number of five times,” (what?) and eat one everyday on an empty stomach.  And then your stomach would have paper in it.  And you’d still probably die from the plague.

4.  Spread em’ and Weep (well, I’d cry like a bitch anyway…..)

     You’ve inhaled and/or drank your own waste and eaten paper, but there’s something missing.  You really want to injure yourself; that should be a sure-fire remedy.  Well, this preventative is right up your freaky alley.  “A….preventative measure was the blistering of the thighs by means of Spanish flies, burning herbs, or surgical operation.  The wounds were kept open artificially during the whole duration of the plague, and fresh butter or lard was rubbed into them.”   Awesome.

So what if you do all these things and still get the plague?  Is there possibly a cure worse than what has already been described?

Oh…..yes, yes there is.

Puppies in an article about the plague?  Whyyyyy?  I’m so sorry, but this is why:

For delirium and inflammation of the brain, “….a young pigeon should be taken and torn asunder and, still warm, applied to the head, in the same manner a puppy dog of one month old may be used.”

Yeah.  So.     Maybe quit bitching about how much your insurance costs, because I’m pretty sure you won’t be assaulted at the Primary Care office with dead puppies.

SOURCE:  The Black Death: A Chronicle of The Plague, by Johannes Nohl.  Get it on Amazon for more fun plague facts!

5 Magic Things You Can Buy on Etsy

It’s not that I am insensitive to anyone’s religious beliefs, it’s just that I don’t care.  Let’s go to the magical world of Etsy and look at items they have for your magical magic magician magicking.  And let’s mock them.  Let’s mock them like I learned to mock in journalism class so many magic moons ago: You must supply the 4 W’s.  (I think?…..oh well, I’m sticking with it.)  Those are: When, Where, Why, Who.  Commence magical magic mockery……….abracadabra!….now!

1.  Magic Wands!

Granted, the wooden ones (bottom picture), are kinda cool looking, for a useless stick of wood.

When:  When you can’t find your back/butt scratcher.

Where: Thin wand easily slips into couch crevices and behind your piles of cats, so you probably won’t be able to find it anyway.

Why:  There’s really no logical reason.  Harry Potter Halloween costume realism.  That’s about it.

Who:  I don’t care.  Really.  Sincerely.  I can’t muster up any care.

 

2.  Magic Spells!

ACTUAL TEXT OF ETSY AD:

“The most powerful black magic spell for lust, love, obsession, and crazy desire. If you want him or her to go absolutely crazy for you or else then this baby is for you! 😉

Please provide me with your full name, date of birth, and your target’s full name and date of birth. If you don’t have a target then describe your ideal partner(s)

For those wanting multiple partners or really really want him or her to go super crazy obsessed over you, please order the stronger versions of this spell and let me know who they are in the message.

Please allow 7 days for the full casting ceremony to be complete before receiving instructions and item from altar.

If you would like a gemstone or ring used in the ceremony please add that to your purchase through the drop box.”

Wow!  How much?  How about $300 hundred and up?

This is a spell for special people who have so much money they just want the damn fastest way to make it disappear.  They just cannot stand all this damn cash lying around, and wiping their ass with it is starting to cause abrasions.  This spell is a godsend for those people.  Everyone else?  No.

When:  When you can’t find your 73 cats under your money hoard.

Where:  Wherever helpful Western Union operators are standing by to assist you with your stupidity.

Why:  You have way too much money to EVEN DEAL, and/or are incredibly…….challenged in the logic department.

Who:  Morons with obsessive stalker complexes and money to burn.

 

3.   Magic Books!

This listing is for a PDF of magic things you can do magically with magic rocks.

Actual text of listing:

☆ 28 pages on crystal magic
☆ 30 crystal spells, correspondences, channeling and ground information, and the magical properties of crystals
☆ PDF Format
☆ No watermarks will appear on your pages

28 Pages!  Just think of all the time you could waste!  It does not include the crystals or gems, so you’re going to have to go down to ol’ Magic Mart and get those separately.

When:   When you are so very, very bored with science.

Where:  In your mom’s basement, on a very lonely Saturday night.

Why:  There is no reason and there never will be.

Who:  I’m too sad now to even answer that.

 

4.   Magic Candles!

I know what you’re thinking…. “Hey, that’s just a purple candle with a black cord and silver pendant.”   Ohhhh….oh……oh my.  You are so very wrong.  Just check the text:

“When working towards connection with Faery and cooperation with their realm, it is extremely important to remember that not all Faery beings want to work with us. Others amongst them may be termed Unseelie-a term from Scottish Faery lore that translates as “unholy”, as opposed to their polarity, the Seelie, or “blessed” court. These are the beings that whose solution to the problem of the world would be to simply get rid of humans if given the chance.

If you decide to try and encounter one of the Unseelie, remember to treat them with courtesy and respect and keep them at a safe distance. Some people say that the Dark Faery cannot be reasoned with….period. I find this to be not true. They are only hard to reason with but, when treated and enticed in a proper way, they can be worked with, even if they do so with a grumpy attitude.”

 

Treat imaginary beings with courtesy!  Why?  Because you are fucking crazy.

When:  When they untie your restraints

Where: Back in your cell, because they do not allow fire in the padded suite.

Why:  As I said, because you’re full-blown, no doubt, fucking bonkers.

Who: Anyone on LSD.

 

5.  Magic-Support Plaques

One thing I hate about life is that people don’t know how loose of a grip I have on reality as soon as they walk in my door.  If you hate that too, this lovely poster will help.

When:  When you want to make Sheldon Cooper cry.

Where:   Where WOULDN’T you want this?

Why:  As previously ascertained, you’re a damn nutjob.

Who:  You, you freak.

Is That Jesus on your Tortilla or are you just a Nutjob?

(Note to readers:  The spacing on this post is not obeying me.  I’ve tried for an hour, I’m done.  I trust you’ll figure out what goes where.)

Sigh.  So it comes up in the news again, Jesus or Mary or someone else in the family shows up on something in an image that only people with head trauma/overindulgence in tequila bottle worms/strong belief in woodland fairies can see.  Like a reasonable person with logic skills and a rudimentary public school education, I’m always tilting my head and squinting to see what they see.  And I almost never do, except for the obviously altered-by-fameseeker surfaces.  Sometimes, you can clearly see even completely different things, which assure you that if they ARE sent by God, He has a fantastic sense of humor.  Of course I have a couple examples to back this up.  I am sure they are elsewhere on the Great Internets, but the ones in this post are all credited to whoever huffingtonpost.com got them from.

That is most definitely a representation of the Virgin, and certainly NOT where someone left their butt plug sitting for too long.

And these people are NOT rapturously in awe of a large stone vagina.  Nope.

“GROW UP!”  You yell at me.  Fine.  Have it your way.  Here are examples that are less likely to be opening scenes to low-budget porn.

Skinny with giant head and long flowing hair?  I’ll never know how they found Jesus in this obvious representation of a Disney-Princess style Rapunzel.

Hunched over monk with massive head wound is a bit offended you’re comparing him to members of the Holy family instead of calling 911.

They were really reaching with this “Jesus” sighting.  All I see is Rob Zombie, leaning a bit forward in between sets, wiping his brow.

This “Jesus” ::::huge sigh:::: showed up in the lid of a jar of “marmite,” which I thought was a type of small monkey.  Maybe it is.  Anyway, I see Gene Simmons in a Phantom Of The Opera style mask.  See it?

Yup, definitely the Virgin Mary formed in drippings from under a chocolate factory vat, she’s classy like that.  NOT drippings resembling one of those glass Avon perfume parakeet bottles from the 80’s that your mom keeps because she thinks they’re valuable and keeps asking you to list on ebay.

Now this one I like……….

Yup, Jesus sees where you’re shopping, and he’s PISSED.

Crab Jesus?  Don’t think so.  This is clearly Vlad Dracul.  You know, Mr. Impaler.  Don’t believe me?  Compare:

Speaking of cruelty incarnate, are you wondering why El Diablo never shows up?  Even though there are no descriptions in the Bible of the evil one looking like this, a lady supposedly bolted from her shower when she saw this in the new tile her husband had installed:

Honestly, it looks like a shocked old man who just saw a paunchy, saggy, middle-aged lady naked in the shower.  Some people have reported their deceased loved ones showing up in floor tiles.  Maybe there was a mix-up here, and this is great-grandpa. “OoooooOOOOooo helloooo I have cooome frooom the ooother siiiiiide annnnd OH SHIT ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION! LOCATION FAIL!”

And then we get to the “you’re not even trying” entries…………………

The face of Jesus is on this towel.  Maybe she’s holding up the wrong side.

Hey look, vines wrapped around this pole in a cross fashion, LIKE THEY DO ALL THE TIME.

Last but not least, you really can see a face here, probably because of the selective burning.  Or you can say no way, this wasn’t done on purpose, that is totally a message from Christ…..

And that message is….. “Verily I say unto thee, CLEAN YOUR DAMN PAN.”

The lesson in all this should be obvious, besides that people who are so religious should spend their time “doing unto others” instead of “worshipping stains.”  If there is a God, how do you think he’s going to feel about you revering your burnt toast?  Also, if there is a God, he or she is GOD, they don’t have to resort to trashy magic tricks to get their point across.

I approve of the above religious image.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Jesus……Fire Away…..

It’s a little known fact that our Lord was the inspiration for LL Cool J’s Momma’s gonna knock you out.

Why should you read this article?  Because it contains this pearl of wisdom:

Burly Mr Bentley, 36, said in one YouTube clip: ‘And I’m thinking  why is the power of God not moving? And He said, “Because you haven’t kicked that woman in the face.”

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2183860/Todd-Bentley-MP-calls-ban-tattooed-preacher-cures-cancer-kicking-people-face.html#ixzz22kJVSBK4