It’s not that I am insensitive to anyone’s religious beliefs, it’s just that I don’t care. Let’s go to the magical world of Etsy and look at items they have for your magical magic magician magicking. And let’s mock them. Let’s mock them like I learned to mock in journalism class so many magic moons ago: You must supply the 4 W’s. (I think?…..oh well, I’m sticking with it.) Those are: When, Where, Why, Who. Commence magical magic mockery……….abracadabra!….now!
1. Magic Wands!
Granted, the wooden ones (bottom picture), are kinda cool looking, for a useless stick of wood.
When: When you can’t find your back/butt scratcher.
Where: Thin wand easily slips into couch crevices and behind your piles of cats, so you probably won’t be able to find it anyway.
Why: There’s really no logical reason. Harry Potter Halloween costume realism. That’s about it.
Who: I don’t care. Really. Sincerely. I can’t muster up any care.
2. Magic Spells!
ACTUAL TEXT OF ETSY AD:
“The most powerful black magic spell for lust, love, obsession, and crazy desire. If you want him or her to go absolutely crazy for you or else then this baby is for you! 😉
Please provide me with your full name, date of birth, and your target’s full name and date of birth. If you don’t have a target then describe your ideal partner(s)
For those wanting multiple partners or really really want him or her to go super crazy obsessed over you, please order the stronger versions of this spell and let me know who they are in the message.
Please allow 7 days for the full casting ceremony to be complete before receiving instructions and item from altar.
If you would like a gemstone or ring used in the ceremony please add that to your purchase through the drop box.”
Wow! How much? How about $300 hundred and up?
This is a spell for special people who have so much money they just want the damn fastest way to make it disappear. They just cannot stand all this damn cash lying around, and wiping their ass with it is starting to cause abrasions. This spell is a godsend for those people. Everyone else? No.
When: When you can’t find your 73 cats under your money hoard.
Where: Wherever helpful Western Union operators are standing by to assist you with your stupidity.
Why: You have way too much money to EVEN DEAL, and/or are incredibly…….challenged in the logic department.
Who: Morons with obsessive stalker complexes and money to burn.
3. Magic Books!
This listing is for a PDF of magic things you can do magically with magic rocks.
Actual text of listing:
☆ 28 pages on crystal magic
☆ 30 crystal spells, correspondences, channeling and ground information, and the magical properties of crystals
☆ PDF Format
☆ No watermarks will appear on your pages
28 Pages! Just think of all the time you could waste! It does not include the crystals or gems, so you’re going to have to go down to ol’ Magic Mart and get those separately.
When: When you are so very, very bored with science.
Where: In your mom’s basement, on a very lonely Saturday night.
Why: There is no reason and there never will be.
Who: I’m too sad now to even answer that.
4. Magic Candles!
I know what you’re thinking…. “Hey, that’s just a purple candle with a black cord and silver pendant.” Ohhhh….oh……oh my. You are so very wrong. Just check the text:
“When working towards connection with Faery and cooperation with their realm, it is extremely important to remember that not all Faery beings want to work with us. Others amongst them may be termed Unseelie-a term from Scottish Faery lore that translates as “unholy”, as opposed to their polarity, the Seelie, or “blessed” court. These are the beings that whose solution to the problem of the world would be to simply get rid of humans if given the chance.
If you decide to try and encounter one of the Unseelie, remember to treat them with courtesy and respect and keep them at a safe distance. Some people say that the Dark Faery cannot be reasoned with….period. I find this to be not true. They are only hard to reason with but, when treated and enticed in a proper way, they can be worked with, even if they do so with a grumpy attitude.”
Treat imaginary beings with courtesy! Why? Because you are fucking crazy.
When: When they untie your restraints
Where: Back in your cell, because they do not allow fire in the padded suite.
Why: As I said, because you’re full-blown, no doubt, fucking bonkers.
Who: Anyone on LSD.
5. Magic-Support Plaques
One thing I hate about life is that people don’t know how loose of a grip I have on reality as soon as they walk in my door. If you hate that too, this lovely poster will help.
When: When you want to make Sheldon Cooper cry.
Where: Where WOULDN’T you want this?
Why: As previously ascertained, you’re a damn nutjob.
Who: You, you freak.