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Tag Archives: humor

Auto-Complete My Life

As everyone knows, Google search will helpfully try to auto-complete your query.  I typed in  a few fun party-topic starters, and :::sigh::: here’s what I got.

Let’s start with the eternal question: “Why ……”

 

why

That escalated quickly, as they say.  I think the pdf file is the least of your worries, because you are dead.

 

Let’s try “Why are…”

 

whyare

 

The top 5 concerns of googlers, I guess.  Let me try to help.

  1.  I don’t know, never quite got that figured out myself.  Gave up.
  2.   See #1
  3.   Also #1
  4.   Because.  Get over it.

 

Alrrighttt time to talk politics!

trump

  1.  He’s an overgrown Oompa-Loompa that escaped, obviously
  2.  He’s a bored rich man who craves any attention, negative or otherwise
  3.  No one knows for sure
  4.  You know damn well why, and it’s terrifying

 

hillary

 

  1. Why indeed
  2.  Because Bill lost a bet
  3.  She’s like “meh, why not”

 

bernie

 

  1. Holy shit, read something
  2. He’s everyone’s adorable and angry Jewish grandpa
  3. So many reasons.  So many.

 

Alright, enough politics.  Battle of the sexes?

 

women

  1.  Have you seen the price of tampons?  Bras?
  2.  We have ice-spider nests where our souls should be
  3.  Why are you so emotionless?
  4.  Wow, misogynist much?

men

 

  1.  Wait you just said women are mean, make up your mind
  2.  To give us piggyback rides
  3.  See #2
  4.  They won’t give us piggyback rides

 

 

Sorry for the shitpost, may edit it later.  Not on my game lately, y’all take care of yourselves and I’ll try to be wittier in the future.

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Delicious and Confused

Delicious and Confused

Had lunch with a friend a few days ago at a Mexican place neither of us had been to before.  The service?  Lousy.  We were pretty sure our waiter was so stoned he got lost on the way to our table and took a nap halfway through serving us.  The food?  Fantastic.  The food descriptions on the menu?  Amusing.  My favorite kind of food is hilarious, and with a few Coronas and my immaturity level, I really enjoyed the following items.

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The Fro Burrito.  Does it come with a pick?  In my burrito fantasies it does.  Is it weird to have burrito fantasies?  If loving burritos is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

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I really tried to find out what “Pastor” could mean in Spanish that it doesn’t mean in English and I am coming up blank.  And frankly, I don’t want to know, it’s too much fun this way.  “Here, try the Pastor’s taco.”  ……. ” WHAT KIND OF CHURCH IS THIS???”

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Why haven’t I seen this before?  There are so many foods that would benefit from melted Chihuahua.

(yes, I know it is referring to the cheese, and I do not care.)

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Maybe they do put chocolate sauce on chicken, I really don’t know, I just know all I hear when I read this is Chef from South Park singing about it in my head.

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Oh how I wish this also offered the Pastor as an option, but I guess spitting my Corona across the table WOULD have gotten us kicked out and fate was kind enough to spare me that temptation.

You’d Be Prettier if You Pooped More…. (and other depression-era beauty advice)

You’d Be Prettier if You Pooped More….  (and other depression-era beauty advice)

Don’t let the stock market get you down.  Perk up with these beauty-saving and awkward inventions of the 1930’s.  All the ads below come from the November 1931 issue of Modern Screen magazine.  I scanned them from my personal collection, so if you wish to make use of them yourself, please give credit where it is due.  Enjoy!

This is what the title of this post is all about……

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“Keeping clean internally repays you with a clear complexion, energy and pep, and a sparkling loveliness that wins admiration……Sal Hepatica……clears the bloodstream, ends constipation, gets rid of the poisons that keep you from being good-looking, clear-eyed, alluring…..gain the sparkle, charm, life that win and hold the admiration of men.”

It’s a laxative.  Men will notice you sparkling because you are sweating and sprinting for the toilet every ten minutes.  I think men admire bowel movements in general, so you shouldn’t assume it’s specifically your grace and charm that is getting their nods of approval.

PhotobucketChrist, Francis, have you no shame?  Everyone at the country club can see your disgusting freckles, you lazy pig of a girl.

“….free booklet.  Tells you why you have freckles……”

It’s because you had impure thoughts about daddy’s golf caddy and you know it.

Photobucket My favorite part of this ad is that they want you to wear it “while you sleep or work.”  So it functions as birth control as well as a sexual-harassment-prevention device.

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I don’t get the “leap year” comment, but somehow this product, which is “not a dye” and contains “no harmful chemicals” will turn you into a blonde, which will get you your man THIS YEAR.  Finally, you will have self-worth.

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Well, indeed this is worse than freckles.  This product will melt flesh off your face.  Moles AND “Big Growths.”  That’d be a great band name, by the way. I hope your BIG GROWTHS don’t “drop off” in public.  I think the stuff is/was acid.  You?

All that copy and no information on what is actually in the stuff.  The product name sounds like something you spread on toast, but I think this one was in the poop-yourself-thin category of weight reduction miracles.  The last paragraph (that you can’t read, I’ll try to get a better scan) speaketh the truth….”YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO BE ABNORMAL.”

Blogs That Made Me Love Them, Then Left Me

Blogs That Made Me Love Them, Then Left Me

There are some blogs I used to enjoy that, tragically, have either disappeared completely or have not been updated in such a long time I think they may disappear soon.  If you know what happened to any of these, please toss me a comment.

patheticpersonals.com was, indeed, pathetic.  It was a collection of personal ads from this great internet that made you laugh or cringe or shake your head or laughcringeshake til it hurt.  The grammar…..the pictures…… (oh yeah, the Glamour Shots)…..the tragedy of it all and the crippling realization that these people will most likely meet their own kind and live happily ever after and I will still be single.  What with my hoity-toity indoor plumbing and deodorant use and all.    I found this lovely Glamour Shot  thanks to Google, and recognized it as one that was also on the site.  It’s not ridiculous because she is a big lady.  It’s ridiculous because of the shiny gold, the poofy hair, and the collar-holding.  Always with the collar-holding, these pics, why did anyone think this is attractive/alluring/whatever the hell it is supposed to be?

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There was an entire category for personal ads in which the person typed “bowel” instead of “bowl” in the text,  a category for baby-mama-drama, a category for pregnant illiterates seeking love, it was glorious.  And one day it just disappeared.  It hopped aboard Oceanic flight 815 (anyone?) and went…..oh somewhere, I never finished watching that bucket of walrus shit.  Anyway, it is gone.

thisiswhyyourefat.com was exactly what it promises.  Pictures of offerings at all kinds of restaurants that were just oozing with fat and cholesterol.  There was no preaching.  Pictures were captioned with a short description of ingredients and sometimes a calorie count.  Not being a chicken eater myself, it’s how I found out the KFC double down existed and was not a joke.  This is not a joke:

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That is as serious, and as literal, as a heart attack.  This site was both entertaining, depressing, and gut churning.  And it’s gone.

tombwrecks.blogspot.com didn’t disappear, it just hasn’t been updated since February 2011.  It featured mostly reader-submitted pictures of gravestones from all over the U.S.A. that had amusing names (like poor dearly departed “Oral Love,” R.I.P.) or sloppy/baffling pictures.  I have a funny last name, and I was expecting one of my relative’s graves to turn up on there eventually.  Alas, this blogger has skipped town.  Hope she comes back.  Here are a couple gems from the site:

Awesomest last name ever? It’s in the running at least.

And an inscription worthy of a double-take:

amateurebaymodels.com fell into the abyss recently (last post Dec. 5, 2011) so I still hope she will return.  The blog title sounds a bit naughty but it is all in fun and features folks who model their own goodies that they are selling on ebay.  And yes, their “goodies” feature prominently in a lot of the auctions……

Some need a valium, STAT……

Some are serious……

Some are adorable and having a fantastic time……

Some are…..um……

And some are damn pissed that you woke them up early for the pride parade……

Anyway, there are a lot of entertaining categories and I hope this blogger comes back soon.

And I’m out.

Homosterical

Homosterical

More record album covers and again the credit for all in this post goes to lpcoverlover.com.  These vintage treats are presented for either looking suspect (if you have a filthy, filthy mind.  And you really have no business here if you don’t.) or sounding that way due to changing slang.  Enjoy.

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Wake me up before you go-go gay with Yvonne.

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“Oh, Edna, you look so handsome in a suit.”

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Marie puts on a lovely spread.

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Remember when you were?  Sigh.

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Who knew?

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I bet you do.

2nd caption option for people who miss the title of the album and go ‘huh?’: Ugh, one of those annoying couples who dresses alike.

That’s all for today my dears.

Jesus, This is Disturbing

Jesus, This is Disturbing

Vintage gospel albums are a ripe source of hilarity.  The credit for all of the images in this post go to lpcoverlover.com, a great resource you should definitely check out if you are into old album covers.  If you’re not, and look at it anyway, you probably will be soon.

Some gospel albums make you want to call the police.

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Oh, gawd honey, are you ok?  But it gets worse.

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I want to be horrified, but the kid looks pretty smug about it.

Some are asking for it:

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Wowza.  The Dixie Chicks they are not.

While others give you a cult glare and beckon you to join them:

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….or else

These folks feel fine about their conversion:

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Especially the male member of the group.  He is fucking STOKED.

More tomorrow.